The Vault of the Forgotten And Obscure

THE VAULT ISSUE 19: BRAIN DAMAGE

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 00:57:10 +0000

THE VAULT ISSUE 18: SPLIT SECOND

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 23:42:44 +0000

THE VAULT ISSUE 17: LATE SUMMER/EARLY FALL 2007 EDITION! THE OUTING, THE DARK, NIGHT LIFE, THE POWER, SILENT RAGE!

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 05:01:15 +0000

THE VAULT ISSUE 16: SUMMER VACATION EDITION! THE BURNING, THE VIDEO DEAD!

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 04:59:46 +0000

THE VAULT - JANUARY 2007 EDITION! ONE DARK NIGHT!

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 04:58:29 +0000

THE VAULT - DECEMBER 2006 EDITION! HIGHWAY TO HELL, I COME IN PEACE, SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT 3: BETTER WATCH OUT!

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 04:55:55 +0000

THE VAULT OF THE FORGOTTEN & OBSCURE HALLOWEEN EDITION 2006!

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 04:54:15 +0000

THE VAULT ISSUE 12: JSYN RETURNS TO THE VAULT!

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 04:42:09 +0000

8/06: Hey Jerks it's me, Jsyn, creator of The Vault back in action!

Yeah, yeah I know it's been a while since I last posted. I've been a little busy... MAKING movies now and I haven't really had time to simply write about them. Especially the shitty ones you guys keep pestering me about. Honestly, I'm a Hollywood big shot now, I don't have time for wise-ass reviews of Z-level bombs that are only relevant to a handful of celibate horror geeks with no lives.

Ugh, YES I see the irony in the fact that I AM sitting here writing wise-ass reviews of Z-level bombs that are relevant only to a handful of horror geeks with no lives.

At least I'm not celibate. I got a girlfriend... she, uh, lives in Canada, yeah so what?

(sigh)

We may as well flip the tracks on this train wreck, so here goes:

THE VAULT ISSUE 11: DEADLY FRIEND!

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 21:58:48 +0000

DEADLY FRIEND /1986 / d: Wes Craven

Ya know, it’s funny when you remember watching something as a child and loving it, and then re-evaluating it as an adult, only to realize how terrible it really is. Well, there’s 3 things I remember about ‘Deadly Friend’. 1) It was made by Wes Craven – the dude who made that Freddy Krueger movie that also scared the shit out of me. 2) The lead was this new young actress named Kristy Swanson, who for some reason I was uncontrollably in love with in this movie. (And honestly not in anything else since.) and 3) The ‘Throw Mama From The Train’ lady gets a basketball thru her face causing it to combust – “Scanners”-style! I finally found a copy of this childhood favorite at the last horror convention I attended. And how’s it hold up now as an adult? Well, it’s terrible. And I still love every second of it!

Paul is this nerdy kid who hangs out with his pet robot, BB. (He’s short, yellow and has an attitude for anyone who tries to steal the family van.) Sam (Kristy Swanson) moves in next door with her mean, abusive father, who about 20 minutes into the movie, beats her to death. (Sorta. He hits her. She falls down the stairs.) Unable to cope with the loss of his new best friend Sam, Paul essentially rewires her brain so she’s like BB the robot. The zombie/robot Sam remembers the people who have wronged her in life and decides “What the hay? I’m going to kill them.” Oh it’s so bad, it’s good. Why God, WHY… is there no special edition DVD of this?! Complete with commentary?! Try to hunt this down. It’s worth it alone for the oddball ending (which makes absolutely no sense, yet still scared the shit out of me when I first saw it as a kid!) Oh, wait for the credits. You’ll be treated to a cheesy 80’s song that keeps calling out “BB!”. It’s fan-freakin-tastic.

FRIGHT FACT! One of the many taglines to this movie was “Not all nightmares happen on Elm Street”! –robg. -7/06

THE VAULT ISSUE 10: DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW, THE GATE 2!

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 21:57:57 +0000

	DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW /1981 (TV)/ d: Frank De Felitta Wow. What a fucked up made for tv movie! Larry Drake (of Dr. Giggles & Darkman fame) stars as a retarded man, who is unjustly accused of killing his best friend, 12 year old little Marylee (Tonya Crowe). He hides out in the cornfields dressed as a scarecrow and is gunned down by a group of hick vigilantes. And it’s not until after they shoot him that they realize it’s all a big mistake and the little girl is fine. These hick bastards get away with the murder, but later end up being stalked one by one by a mysterious scarecrow seeking vengeance! There are so many recognizable faces in this flick. Postal worker and head of the posse Otis is played by Charles Durning (When A Stranger Calls, Sharky’s Machine, Tootsie, tv’s Rescue Me). Lane Smith (My Cousin Vinny) is also one of the vigilante crew and I’m sure you’ll recognize a number of the cast from dozens of movies. I know a lot of people remember catching this on TV as a kid, but I have to thank Chris Garetano for introducing me to this lost & forgotten gem. It’s not “officially” on DVD yet, but you can easily find it on line or at a convention. FRIGHT FACT! Dark Night Of The Scarecrow was directed by Frank De Felitta, who also wrote the novels ‘THE ENTITY’ and ‘AUDREY ROSE’, both of which were also adapted into feature films! –robg. -5/06

	THE GATE 2 /1992/ d: Tibor Takacs A lot of people might consider the original GATE to be a VAULT pick, but quite frankly, I think the little-seen sequel deserves the title of “forgotten & obscure”. It’s not really that good of a horror film, but I remember rushing to see this in theaters. If you’re a die-hard fan of the original, then as a completist, you owe it to yourself to see this at least once. Louis Tripp returns as Terry from the original GATE and decides to start conducting some rituals to help improve his troubled home life, since his father’s jobless and his buddy Glen moved out of town. (Hell, the little guy’s lonely). He discovers though that by capturing a demon, he can conjure up wishes, only his granted wishes eventually turn to shit. Literally! The flick also stars Pamela Adlon (Segall, also from ‘Say Anything’) as Liz, the gal Terry pines for. THE GATE 2: RETURN TO THE NIGHTMARE or THE GATE 2: TRESPASSERS is available on DVD everywhere except the US. (FIGURES!) I got my copy from Canada at www.dv-depot.com. I’ve seen it on Amazon.com as well. Happy hunting. FRIGHT FACT! Director Tibor Takacs also directed I MADMAN which starred Jenny Wright, whom most genre fans recognize from the cult classic NEAR DARK and The Lawnmower Man! –robg. -5/06

THE VAULT ISSUE 9: NIGHT OF THE CREEPS, DEMONWARP!

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 21:56:48 +0000

	NIGHT OF THE CREEPS /1986/ d: Fred Dekker In honor of the release of James Gunn’s ‘SLITHER’, I had to make a Vault contribution for ‘Night Of The Creeps’ – the classic 80’s horror/comedy gem from director Fred Dekker! In an era where “slasher” flicks were supreme, here came this oddball flick about a bunch of alien slugs that start possessing a town by turning their hosts into mindless zombies! This movie opens aboard an alien spacecraft, where an “experiment” is injected into a capsule and sent to 50’s era earth. Skip forward to the 80’s, we’ve got two geeky friends in college trying to get the attention of school beauty Cynthia. Before you know it, the alien infected teen from the 50’s get de-thawed, slugs are on the loose, and college teens start becoming zombies. Enter Detective Cameron played by horror legend Tom Atkins, who spouts catch phrases like “Thrill Me”. This is one of those movies that had 2 alternate endings, and you were never really sure which ending you were going to get when you’d catch it on TV. This bad boy’s not on DVD just yet, but hunt your video stores or e-bay, because this is one that should never have been forgotten. And now with SLITHER just released, at least it’ll seem familiar to anyone who was a kid in the 80’s. FRIGHT FACT! Director Fred Dekker also directed the beloved ‘Monster Squad’ and err… ‘Robocop 3’?! –robg. -4/06

	DEMONWARP /1988/ d: Emmett Alston Honestly, I just recently discovered this Vault pick at a horror convention. Any flick with the title ‘Demonwarp’, which stars George Kennedy and features an odd Bigfoot-like creature on the back I was sure was going to be quality crap! And sure enough, I loved this ridiculous movie. This is off-the-wall B-movie bliss. It features former Playmate Michelle Bauer. And hell… it features Billy Jayne! (Buddy from 80’s teen favorite ‘Just One Of The Guys’ and ‘Parker Lewis Can’t Lose!’) Honestly, I can’t spoil it for you. Just know that there’s a Bigfoot monster, something to do with an alien ship in the mountains, and one of the most bizarre movie endings for a vault pick I’ve ever seen. I dare you to find this! FRIGHT FACT! The script was based on an original story by make-up effects artist John Carl Buechler, who also directed fan-fave Friday The 13 th Part 7: The New Blood and designed the film’s “Bigfoot” creature! –robg. -4/06

THE VAULT ISSUE 8: SAVAGE HARVEST, HELL NIGHT!

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 21:55:35 +0000

SAVAGE HARVEST /1981/ d: Robert E. Collins

Ok folks, here it is... my very best favorite Vault pick EVER!

This movie...this gorgeous, fantastic, crazy fucking movie... is the bomb-diggity. Let's break it down: A pride of big cats terrorizes an American family on their plantation (?) in a remote part of Kenya. See, the lions, tigers and panthers (oh my) are hungry because a drought has killed off all those yummy gazelles they used to snack on. So, following the Giant Feline train of logic, they move on to the other white meat, i.e. people. Because it's the Seventies, there's no cell phones. On top of that, the short-wave radio is shot and the family van is on blocks. With no hope of rescue or escape, the family barricades themselves in their opulent home, struggling to survive the savage onslaught of... uh, savagery!

There are some of the most insane animal attacks I have ever witnessed in this film. The animal trainers should be commended if they aren't already dead from mauling. There's one scene where a fucking lion jumps outta fucking nowhere, swats the maid, and then drags her off screaming BY HER FACE! Gah!...gives me the willies just thinking about it! And then, dude... AND THEN a fucking lion sneaks into the house through the fucking CHIMNEY! And then eats the husband of the maid who just got eaten!!! Fucking incredible!

The best part is the last reel. The family knows that time is running out... they have to get out of that house! Their only hope is to get to the car left behind by the poor, unfortunate soon-to-be-lion-shit soul who was met with a most savage end! In one of the smartest things I've ever seen anyone do in any movie, they build this cage-like MacGuyver contraption to protect them from the savage fury of cats gone wild! Fucking incredible, yet again!

I don't know what else to say, this movie fucking rules! The lions, the MacGuyver Cage, the savagery, Kenya... this movie has it all! Where else can you watch a boozed-up Tom Skerrit protect his estranged family from a pride of pissed-off, man-hungry big cats? Fucking nowhere! And it's not just the gimmicks... this is an incredibly well-made movie. You can feel the heat of Kenya, the stink of blood on the dusty ground, the mind-melting tension of man against nature! I'd like to meet the director of this film and shake his hand. Job well done sir! This film deserves much better than eigth-generation VHS copies sold on eBay.

I've actually been hesitant to write about this one because I love it so much, and I know some cocksucker Hollywood type who gets his "ideas" from trolling sites like this one is gonna steal my beloved SAVAGE HARVEST, bastardize it for some shitty update, and force me to go on a murderous rampage ending badly for everyone involved. If only Quentin Tarantino or Sage Stallone would rescue this one from obscurity, or even worse, the taint of a piss-poor, watered down remake. I can only lobby and hope until my fingers are sore from typing so passionately! This movie owns with a capital "P". Hunt this one down if ya know what's good for ya, fuckers! - Jsyn - 2/06

HELL NIGHT / 1981/ d: Tom DeSimone

Hell Night? Hell Yeah! I always wondered what one does after being possessed by the manifestation of all that is, and always has been, evil in the physical, meta-physical, and even uber-physical realm of existence… well if you’re Linda Blair you go to college! But it’s just her luck that what should have been a run-of-the-mill, roll-in-the-hay, frat-boy-sorority-hussy-mixer-getaway-weekend turns into a teenage-beware, blood-filled, crossbow-shooting, knife-in-the-head massacre in the classic, eternally underrated, early 80's masterpiece Hell Night.

Murdering evil takes a slightly less universal appeal in this cut-and-dry (no pun intended) 80’s slasher classic, but it embodies all that we loved to fear in those early and, oh so crucial, developmental years. The un-f’en-known child freak locked away in the basement by our, errr, “his”, psychotic overbearing mother! (Can anyone call Freud? I need a couch and a Gin & Tonic). As the nubile (and naked) bodies start to pile up, this turns from a thriller to a blood bath and the screams are, ummm, to die for (I think I may have meant that pun). I defy anyone to get that final drone of the car horn (as Blair passes out, head against steering wheel, waiting for that night from hell to end,) out of their heads for weeks. With slash turning to pure unnecessary snuff in these last few horror years I would urge any one discovering the genre to NOT miss this late-October-rainy-Saturday-night-must-see. Especially if you still haven’t heard all the horror stories about your fraternity’s hell night, this is guaranteed to make you wish to only see a goat when you arrive! - written by Guy Kush - 2/06

THE VAULT ISSUE 7: VAMP!

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 21:53:20 +0000

VAMP / 1986 / d: Richard Wenk

Oh boy, oh boy! Jysn is away and I get to throw one into the vault! Grace Jones kind-of sorta stars as the lead female vampire of this strip joint that lures young men to their sucky-sucky fi-dolla deaths. By sorta star I mean she's all over the poster and box art, does some sort of weirdo, silly exotic dance and is gone for most of the movie. Here she ends up looking more like a parody of herself that Kim Wayan's used to do on "In Living Color". The film really focuses on future "vamp victims" Chris Makepeace ("My Bodyguard"), Gedde Wantabe (Long Duk Dong from "Sixteen Candles") as they do their best to escape the clutches of vampire bar staff. They try real, real hard to convince us that a two room strip joint is impossible to escape from, and I think Grace Jones explodes at the end. A visit to the Titty Twister it's not, my friends. (Mikec.) -1/06

THE VAULT ISSUE 6: I DRINK YOUR BLOOD, PLANET OF THE WEREWOLVES!

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 21:52:05 +0000

	I DRINK YOUR BLOOD! / 1970 / d: David Durston THE SEVENTIES! SATANIC HIPPIES! LSD! MEAT PIES INFECTED WITH RABIES! DEATH BY FEAR OF WATER! TITTIES! MANBUSH! MANBUSH! MAAAN-BUUSSSHHH! DON'T RENT THIS... BUY IT! BUY IT RIGHT NOW THIS SECOND!!! FRIGHT FACT! When there's trouble brewin... be sure to check the bakery! I'm weeping with delight, I love this movie SO MUCH I want to marry it. Bless you, Sage Stallone... bless your heart! -11/05

	PLANET OF THE WEREWOLVES (aka RAGE OF THE WEREWOLF) / 1999/ d: Ken Lindenmuth Wow, here's a bit of nostalgia! Made for pennies DIY-styley on the mean streets of NYC, with a just a DV camera and pure desire! My good buddy Joe (NIKOS THE IMPALER, 5 DEAD ON THE CRIMSON CANVAS, and a million other flicks) Zaso and the absolutley wonderful Debbie (Scream Queen) Rochon have some fun in this apocalyptic werewolf vs. vampire flick that was light years ahead of UNDERWORLD. This was more of a no-budget version of that, crossed with PLANET OF THE APES and ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK. I cant say anything bad about this film because I freakin worked on it! Thats right, contained in this film is my acting debut as "Bounty Hunter 4". I got to battle a werewolf with a whip! I practiced for like ten whole minutes, accidentally whipped the director (sorry Kev) and got my ass handed to me by a werewolf named Santos (writer, producer and great guy). In true guerrilla filmmaking style, I also did some special makeup for the "mutants" that live underground (it was Santos' basement). You would be surprised what one can create with some gelatin, latex, and rice crispies! In fact, there's this movie coming out soon called HELL ON EARTH...um, more on that later. I know some of you might think it's hypocritical of me to NOT rip this movie apart just because I was involved in it, but hey...it's my column bitches! I always said that without the swearing, it would have made a fantastic Goosebumps-esque flick for kids. I dare you to find this. FRIGHT FACT! That other bounty hunter with the net... say hello to IOF's own RobG! Ha ha, you got a freakin' NET! -11/05 http://www.lindenmuth.com/movie_potw.shtml

THE VAULT ISSUE 5: TERROR VISION, THE CHANGELING, MAC AND ME, MEGAFORCE!

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 21:50:56 +0000

	TERRORVISION / d: Ted Nicolaou /1986 In honor of this movie I made a rap song about my favorite monster ever, The Hungrybeast. ..ahem.. (Human Beatbox intro: A WIKKI WIKKI WIKKI...) The Hungrybeast! It comes from some other dimension The Hungrybeast! It lives in your TV The Hungrybeast! It's totally gonna eat ya The Hungrybeast! Hey sucka, better you than me (Human Beatbox outro: A WIKKI WIKKI WAKK!) This movie is as good as my flow is tight, ya herrd. This is embarrassing on so many levels. -9/05 (*editor's note: The character of OD is played by Jon Gries, also known as "Uncle Rico")

	THE CHANGELING / d: Peter Medak/ 1980 I just had so much fun watching crap movies till my eyes bled, I totally forgot about those underrated GEMS of my collection! It's true... there are actual worthy movies in the Vault, but why eat steak when you can gnaw on gas station jerky? Anyway, THE CHANGELING was an oops-I-crapped-my-pants-fuck you-this-shit-is-scary movie that should never be watched at night when you are home alone. Worlds Greatest Thespian George C. Scott plays a lonely guy with a tragic past who moves into a giant fucking house that's, get this, HAUNTED! Apparently, by the ghost of a child, which makes it even worse and at the same time proves not all ghost children are japanese. This is classic old-school scare filmmaking in it's purest form. It's all mood, atmosphere, lighting, pacing, composition, pure fucking talent if ya ask me! There are so many boxer-browning moments you literally dread the next scene in the house because you know something fucked up is gonna happen. That image of the red ball bouncing down the staircase out of the darkness makes me throw up with fright to this day. I was always scared of whats at the TOP of the stairs when I was a kid because of this movie. Ok, so I'm still scared of the top of the stairs, but so what? When you watch this movie, heed my word campers, you will be too! -9/05

	Let's break from the norm for a little bit and take a look at two favorite Vault pics from other genres: MAC AND ME / d: Stewart Raffill /1988 When I have a party, and it's late and I want all those drunkies to get out of my house, I dont yell or threaten to call the cops and/or immigration. I just walk over to the VCR and put on MAC AND ME. I don't even have to turn the volume up. People just look at it for a minute or two, and then miraculously, they are overcome with the urge to exit the premesis immediatley. This movie was produced by fucking McDonalds. The fast food restaurant. No, really! This movie is also useful if you want your girlfriend to break up with you. -9/05 (*editor's note: Mike C. is highly offended that Jsyn neglected to mention the musical number, set at McDonalds, featuring break-dancers, football players, and ballerinas.)

	MEGAFORCE / d: Hal Needham / 1982 I can think of nothing more horrifying than Barry Bostwick in a flesh colored spandex bodysuit and Kip Winger haircut. This is one of my favorite movies ever. -9/05