Quantcast Trilogy Pics - 3 Movies You Should Watch Tonight: MARCH 2006 - ANTAGONIZING ANGORAS, FRIGHTFUL FOLDERS, AND TOOTHY TROJANS

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MARCH 2006 - ANTAGONIZING ANGORAS, FRIGHTFUL FOLDERS, AND TOOTHY TROJANS

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March. 2006 Trilogy Pics:
March 2006: Antagonizing Angoras, Frightful Folders, and Toothy Trojans

You don’t have to look far in the horror genre to encounter some unlikely monsters. In fact, most monsters in the horror genre are pretty “unlikely”. Ever meet a zombie in a hockey mask? 70 foot tall lizard? There are a few monster, however, that make even us horror fans question our suspension of disbelief. This month’s trilogy pics are three films that feature some of the looniest antagonists in the history of the genre. If monsters are the product of our nightmares, you have to wonder who was having nightmares to come up with these.

The Mangler (1995). Dir. Tobe Hooper

Tobe Hooper gets the shit end of the stick, doesn’t he? He directs “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, follows it up with the middling “Eaten Alive”, next everyone says that Spielberg really directed his biggest hit, “Poltergiest”. Poor guy then gets to make a movie about one of the most ridiculous monsters in horror history. Hey, do you mean space vampires? Er, no, actually not that Tobe Hooper movie, I’m talking about “The Mangler”. It’s based on a silly Stephen King short story (RED FLAG!) about possessed industrial laundry equipment, namely a giant sheet iron/folder with an appetite for old ladies and virgins. There’s also a refrigerator with an appetite for 7 year olds, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Obviously the problem with “The Mangler” is that it’s incredibly hard to take the premise seriously. This is a shame because it’s actually a pretty damn entertaining little horror opus. Sure, it’s about a laundry press, but the production designers really went out of their way on this thing. It’s a rusty, creaky, grease-dripping gothic nightmare of a laundry press. It really is the stuff of nightmares. Hooper also tries to makes the best of the premise too: There’s a really ominous, gloomy, uncomfortable mood to it. Overall, it’s a little bit too heavy handed, but at least he’s not just taking the cheap way out and going for laughs. You want to know what kills it? Robert Englund. Now, I love that guy. He IS Freddy Kruger, was a great Phantom, excellent as our friendly neighborhood alien Vistor. Yet, Robert, buried under some awful old-age makeup, goes too far.  He’s supposed to be the owner of the factory, and the guy who keeps the killer folding machine happy. He takes it too far, and it’s a painfully bad performance to watch. Then there’s the ending when the machine goes nuts and becomes mobile…what can I say…it looses steam. Oh-ho-ho! Really though, for a film that came out in ’95 it’s very atypical of the kind of horror we were getting then. It’s a unique, albeit flawed, vision, and totally worth a spot on your Netflix queue.

Night of the Lepus (1972). Dir. William F. Claxton

Yea…it’s the giant killer bunny rabbit movie. It was notoriously hard to get your hands on until a DVD release last year, and so naturally, it’s got quite a cult following. Really, there’s not much to say about it that hasn’t already been said. Yes, it is, in fact, about rabbits that grow to the size of large dogs and kill. Yes, the special effects consist mostly of close ups of rabbits twitching their noses and running in slow motion. I was surprised at how violent some of the attacks were, especially for PG rated film from ’72. Still, it’s not the huge laughfest it’s supposed to be because it’s kind of boring, lots of “scientists talk science” scenes and not enough bunnies until the end. Hilarious though are the scenes when they discover the rabbits are holed up in a cave. It’s just too much. I mean, you expect bats or wolves to burst out of the darkness in these kind of movies. This is rabbits. If you can find it cheap, maybe worth picking up the DVD, especially if you ever been curious about it.

Killer Condom: (1996). Dir. Martin Walz

Or “Kondom des Grauens” in it’s native German. That sounds like a tasty pastry, doesn’t it? Well, if you ever walk into a restaurant and “Kondom des Grauens” is on the menu, fold up that bitch and get your coat. In fact, if you ever walk into a video store and see “Kondom des Grauens”, you might as well have the same reaction. So…yea, it’s about an carnivorous condom-monster that is biting off penises in a hotel called “Hotel Quicky”. The crime is investigated by Det. Luigi Mackeroni. You read right.

I’ve tried to watch it a few times, and I never make it through. Maybe I’m just not into German humor. Maybe this is just a very poorly made movie. Who knows. I’m including it this month because it’s the only other thing I could think of. There is also a movie called “Killer Tongue”, if you’re into oral. - mikec.

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