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MARCH 2008 EDITION

I know, I know, this edition of Schlock Value was meant to be wacky tabacy themed one but finding a copy of Killer Condom is proving harder then originally thought. So instead I’ve got three more films from my oh-so-very-reliable what-the-fuck stockpile, they’re stupid and they’re dumb.

Two of the three pieces of cheese on the platter tonight come to you courtesy of the half assed B-Movie marathon I had for my birthday, my Uni buddies turned me to them upon learning of our mutual love of anything topped with cheese (Mmmm cheese) and lightly grilled to perfection. - Danny Price

HAUNTED BOAT was made in the cheesy year of: 2005 and cheesily directed by: Olga Levens

Haunted Boat…where to begin? First of all, what high school drop out gave this film its title? They’ve proved once and for all that originality is extinct, that being said kudos to the motherfucker for doing it, fore a title that makes people stop and go "huh?" will do a shit load more at attracting an audience then anything else this god awful hunk of cinematic junk has going for it.

When reading the title what comes to mind? I’m going to guess that 98% of you readers will be thinking that it is a movie about a boat that is haunted, most likely by a ghost right? WRONG jokes on you, you presumptuous assholes (come on guys you know I love you), lets have a hand for the other 2% because no matter what crosses their tiny little minds whilst eleven letters which make up the films title I’m willing to bet that it’s way closer then you other guys.

A bunch of tools take a boat trip and wind up trapped in a fog which forces them to face their greatest fears - *cough* bullshit *cough* - said fears can come in the form of regurgitating spaghetti or just plain disappearing…oh wait that was a cast member not getting paid their $3.50.

Whilst I sit holding this DVD in my hands (the skin of which is already trying to crawl down my arm and as far away from it as physically possible) I wonder who I have to thank for this abomination.

The answer has a name: Olga Levens…the mutant love child of Uwe Boll and Robert Rodriguez. You see the problem with trying to be the female equivalent of the one man crew is that when you suck, you suck BAD!!! (Notice the extra exclamation mark…that’s me trying to emphasis a point).

I’ve seen some low budget, homemade pieces of shit in my time but… GODDAMN is this bad, the camera work sucks harder then Paris Hilton, do you remember when The Blair Witch Project came out and people were bitching none stop about how much the shaky cam stuff caused nausea? Meet the sea sickness emulator, a.k.a. Haunted Boat.

Haunted Boat is a classic example of why some people shouldn’t be allowed near a camera.

CLUB DREAD was made in the cheesy year of: 2004 and cheesily directed by: Jay Chandrasekhar

Oh the joys of Club Dread, so many memorable characters, so many memorable lines, such a near miss. This was one of the movies my friends put me onto, and thank god they did because I had pledge never to watch it (I don’t really remember why though).

When a bunch of good looking peeps (Jordan Ladd…nuff said) take a vacation on a tropical island resort the staff are kept on their feet, especially when a serial killer begins to off those who aren’t doing their jobs right!

Club Dread is by no means a serious movie, shit if it were then what’s it doing on my column? I’ll tell you what Club Dread is, it’s a far funnier version of Scary Movie only without the nods, it’s a slapstick slasher movie which manages to be funny every second of it’s round about 90 minute run time.

Kudos to Jay Chandrasekhar for playing the greatest token Jamaican ever committed to film as well as penning possibly the funniest line known to man: Advantage Putman…not laughing? Context people it’s all about context, have YOU ever seen a man make out with himself?

SCARECROW was made in the cheesy year of: 2002 and cheesily directed by: Emmanuel Ltier

*giggle* I feel simultaneously giddy with excitement and horribly repulsed with myself when thinking about this one, when I watch a cheesy B-Movie the one thing I hope for is the ability to just go balls out and tear the shit out of it, or at least laugh my ass off at the sheer absurdity of it as opposed to being bored shitless (Komodo vs. Cobra anyone?), Scarecrow delivered both in spades!

Young Lester is your typical picked on high school teenager (it couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that he looks like he’s 50 could it?) he also has a major geek crush on Tiffany Shepis (can you blame him?) but of course the school jock makes life a living hell and constantly teasing him with the nickname: ’scarecrow’ (ohhh the subtlety is killing me), things are just as bad at home as he walks in on his trailer trash mother banging some random redneck asshole. One thing leads to another and redneck asshole ends up strangling young Lester at the foot of a badass looking scarecrow, for some unknown reason his soul is magically combined with said scarer of crows to bring forth a corn stabbing, ninja flipping, incredibly un-scary schlock horror icon.

When I say he ninja flips I do indeed mean he ninja flips, when my friends (Teagan and Taryn) promised me a ninja flip for nearly every kill the scarecrow makes, they didn’t lie!

1st Rule of Scarecrow: if there is to be a death it must be punctuated by a ninja flip.

The gore is horribly bad, consisting of nothing more then food coloring mixed with water dripping, and let’s not forget the oh-so-very obviously fake heart that the scarecrow rips out of a mans body.

Yes Scarecrow is stupid, make no mistake about that, but how can you possibly go wrong with a movie that utilizes corn as a weapon!?

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COMING ATTRACTIONS (2/08)

Prepare yourselves kiddos because boy do I have some shitty shit-shit lined up just for you cinematic no.2 loving ass holes.

Next month, look forwards to all the festivities of a stoner themed Schlock Value, plus a special little something to commemorate the 19 years yours truly has been befouling planet earth. Then somewhere down the track when it’s released on DVD downunder I will be doing a ‘De-nalysis’ of that cinematic crapfest called I Know Who Killed Me.

And once both the DVDs for Cloverfield and Dragon Wars find their way into my hot little hands I’ll be doing a Schlock Special looking at monster movies, both past and present from both ends of the quality spectrum, crocs, sharks, big ugly spiders and Godzilla here I come.

This year there’s something for everyone…plus more fan fare ;-) (It’s been 5 years but I’ve finally been reunited with Evangelion, HALLELUJAH!) - Danny Price

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FEBRUARY 2008 EDITION

This edition of Schlock Value was meant to come to you wrapped in a nice little Marijuana leaf (not literally of course) and complemented by an actual theme, but due to circumstances beyond my control my copy of Killer Bong became MIA as a result of my dodgy pack job and a 250km move. Why?...I am forced to ask whatever unseen forces that controls all that is, why couldn’t you have taken my copy of The Hitcher? WHY?!?!

I now find myself trying desperately to find something to replace my original write-up idea, and quite inadvertently put together something that does in fact resemble a theme!

Mwuhahahahahaha, I laugh with such zeal not only because I compiled the worst trio of shit yet, but because I had to actually sit through them all in order to bring them to you! I am experiencing a perpetual state of dumbening…hey, that’s not even a word!!!

Schlock Value presents: BRAIN BUTTER…

Three of the very WORST movies EVER made, risk viewing them at your own risk for it will undoubtedly cause your brain to melt (hence ‘Brain Butter’), eyes to burst and insides to evacuate your body via your asshole escape route in an attempt to avoid the mental torture the rest of you is sure to endure.

I kid you not, you WILL be in mental pain after watching these, that will then lead to physical pain, possibly self administered.

That concludes this months pre-screening rant, I am off to make some toast, I’ll see you at your funeral.

P.S. I was going to do Mummy Maniac instead of The Curse of Halloween but I didn’t think it’d be far on you guys to make you watch two Lommel bowl movements in a row!

DIARY OF A CANNIBAL was made in the cheesy year of: 2006 and cheesily directed by: Ulli Lommel (aka ‘The Devil Himself’)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WATCHING THIS MOVIE AGAIN?!?!?!?!

Jesus Christ, there is absolutely no reason why anyone should ever be subject to this movie once, let alone twice!

I’m sorry if the following plot explanation seems somewhat incoherent, but rest assured it is by no means my fault, it can all be put down to the fact that the plot itself was so incoherent that it would take a far greater writer then yours truly to find the tiniest grain of coherency in it, and one even better then he (or she) to actually put it to page in a way that makes more sense then anything a 6 year old-retarded-autistic kid with A.D.D could write in blue crayon on a wall.

*Crosses self* Okay, here I go…so from what I can piece together from the jigsaw puzzle like montages that Lommel has employed here, there’s this boy who meets this girl via this virtual wonder that has become the internet (*Slaps forehead* NO WAY?, yes kids, it’s not just used for porn! I was as shocked as you!), they date for a bit and eventually find themselves in this factory where the fella thinks it would be a jolly good idea for his missus and he to solidify their relationship through the act of cannibalism, to be more specific he wants her to take a bite out of him, no scratch that, eat the whole fucker up! (And here I was thinking it was the chicks’ job to say: “Eat me!”).

This (and much more) is told by way of endless montages, non-linear ‘storytelling’ (ha like you could even call it storytelling?), to call it overkill would be under describing it, we are force feed more masturbatory editing techniques then an over zealous first year film student, but I do have to thank Mr. Lommel for one thing…next year I’ll be an over zealous first year film student, chances are I’ll be forced to defend my own movie, and now I’ll have a scapegoat ready to go!

To call this an actual movie would be a slap in the face of every other movie not made by Ulli Lommel, get your apology letter for Uwe Boll ready because he’s fucking Hitchcock next to this sorry SOB and his super-ultra-mega-uber sucky piece of crap.

I don’t fear death, for I have seen Diary of a Cannibal……twice!

STRAWBERRY ESTATES was made in the cheesy year of: 2001 and cheesily directed by: Ron Bonk

Have you ever watched a movie only to find yourself totally and utterly speechless afterwards, I don’t mean in the same way that Evil Dead II or Halloween (well maybe the remake) did, no, I mean in the way that you are left dumbstruck long after the credits have left the screen, when in retrospect it was probably a good thing that your gun wasn’t within reach or else you’d be deep-throating that fucking barrel.

If you are a virgin to just such an experience and you go into Strawberry Estates then you have more balls then I do, it’s similar (though not nearly as mind-blowing) to using Ice as your first drug or a nuns first sexual experience being a six man anal gang bang!

No kiddos I haven’t over hyped it, if anything I have only touched the surface of metaphors and any English textbook term you can think of, to describe the truly idiotic and worthlessness of Strawberry Estates.

Still want to know what it is? Too bad, to describe plot there actually has to be plot, take your video camera and record you and your friends sitting around discussing some benign topic for a half our or so and you’d have more story then Strawberry Estates could ever dream of, the worst part of it is that there is another 60+ minutes of mind numbing boredom left.

It’s supposed to be a ghost story of some sort, but just like the crocodile in Supercroc, they don’t show up for aaaaaagggggggggeeeeeeesssssss, and when they finally do they’re wearing the oddest assortment of t-shirts for ghost I have ever seen, did Ron Bonk fire the costume department or something? What gives? I’m not scared of them, I’m just scared of what the disc might do to my DVD player!

And who in the name of fuck provided the cover quotes for Strawberry Estates? What super drug were you on when these thoughts found their way from your brain to your lips?

“Very scary…not for the faint of heart” – Amazon.com

“Acting by highly credible performances from the younger cast, that single concept is intriguing…” – Fangoria Magazine

Okay, I agree with the first one, it does scare me to think that someone out there thought it would be a good idea to make this abomination and if I had a weak heart watching it might fuck me up, but seriously guys who quotes Amazon.com? The freak show internet reviewers on there have half the brain cells of the already brain cell depleted idiots on IMDb for Christ sakes.

And as for the second quote, I must be misreading it because that doesn’t even make sense! Robg asked me to pick up my feet due to the fact that my grammar left something to be desired…I present scapegoat #2…and it’s Fangoria!!!

I no longer fear Diary of a Cannibal, for I have just seen Strawberry Estates!!

THE CURSE OF HALLOWEEN was made in the cheesy year of: 2006 and cheesily directed by: …wait, this was directed?

*Sigh* The Curse of Halloween…to all of you more casual horror fans out there and especially those ready from my home country of Australia, I say to you here and now: you are lucky! You are lucky because this piece of abysmal trash cannot be easily found, you pretty much have to go out and search for it (which I highly discourage you from doing).

Why is it so bad? Because it is NOTHING!!! There are so many things about it that make it so condemnable that it’d run into next months write-up.

Hmmm, let’s see:

It’s nearly a whole 37 minutes short of it’s advertised run time, there are recycled sound effects which sound like they were stolen from a Nu Image release trailer, not to mention the over indulgence of sloppy stock footage and one unbelievably long and completely unnecessary vacation montage.

Whilst watching this…this……THING, I found myself repeating one question over and over again, “Who the fuck made this?” it looks so amateurish it make every other amateur movie I’ve ever seen look like a fucking masterpiece.

It’s too hard to explain what happens because as I said before NOTHING happens, the only reason why I (and anyone else unfortunate enough to have actually suffer this movie) bought its supposed storyline said something about this ‘Great Queen Pumpkin’ being the villain. Admit it people, you’d be interested in knowing what the fuck it’s all about too. But let me tell you something kiddos, if there was a ‘Great Queen Pumpkin’ in this movie then I didn’t see her! There was this one guy who I can only assume the ‘filmmakers’ were trying to pass off as being ominous, but ominous he was not.

The cherry on top of this massive serving of whipped shit just so happens to be the stupidest bookends to any movie, past, present or future, there was this one guy who we see at the start pressing a gun to his own head as he recounts the events of ‘that Halloween night’, then at the end when he’s finished regurgitating this piece of crap on us he says that he cannot remember what happened to him and his friends, to which I responded by screaming at the TV in a verbally abusive manner which caused the neighbors to stop by and ask if I was alright, perhaps the gooey melted brain matter leaking out of my ears wasn’t a good enough answer for them huh?

Fuck anything and everything that has to do with this unforgivable, catastrophic, cataclysmic, abominable fuck up.

Diary of a Cannibal, Strawberry Estates AND The Curse of Halloween, I just can’t take anymore, that guy with the gun in TCOH just gave me a good idea! Where is my gun? - Danny Price

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ALIENS VS. PREDATOR – REQUIEM

Directed by: Colin Strause & Greg Strause

Starring: Tom Woodruff Jr., Ian Whyte, Jock, Good Guy, Hot Chick and Pot Smoking Comic Relief….oh wait, their characters had names?!?

Hell knows no fury like a fan-boy scorned, for Paul W.S. Anderson the year 2004 marked his induction into the infamous hall of fame for hated directors, what crime did he commit that caused him to be exiled to craphole island to live amongst the likes of Uwe Boll and Ulli Lommel I hear you ask, oh not much I reply, only the desecration of two of our genres biggest and baddest space beasties to ever hit the silver screen, he fucked up, pissed on, tore apart and repeatedly raped our beloved Aliens and Predators, never has the world of horror seen such hatred garnered for one man.

Can you imagine the reaction to news of a sequel? I don’t need to, I was there, it was bloody, it was violent and it was devastating. But then came a sliver of hope in the form of the movies amazing red band trailer, things were looking up, but that feeling of dread still hung in the air because if it all went pear shaped after our hopes were raised sky high then we would come crashing down, hard……...we were fucked from the beginning! Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem picks up exactly where AVP ended, with an Alien/Predator hybrid chestburster erupting from the dead body of the first movies main Predator, it grows bigger and badder in record time, tearing apart the ship and causing it to crash on earth, the PredAlien and several facehuggers scatter into the surrounding forest, replicating and growing in numbers.

Meanwhile, a Predator (who appears to be in some seat of power, though not explored in the slightest) is made aware of the crash and quickly hops in his ride and hauls ass for planet earth.

Introducing the human characters, you’ll have to forgive me because for the life of me I cannot remember their names, but that doesn’t matter because they are so fucking clichéd and stereotyped that they only need titles.

We get ‘Roughish Good Guy’, ‘Hot Chick’, ‘Jock’, ‘Badass Final Chick’, ‘Gullible Idiot That’ll Eventually Die’, ‘Child Who Must Be Protected At All Cost’.

For 30 or so minutes we are treated to every teen drama cliché known to man whilst action derived from the movies title takes backseat, it’s as if the Strause brothers made a 40 minute AVP movie and decided to add in teen drama for flavor, too bad it tasted like shit.

There is no way around it, they fucked up this movie, royally, it’s not nearly as bad as the first AVP but fuck me dead is it bad.

The movie's failure is due greatly to it’s human characters, for the most part the Predators and Aliens were not that bad, but factor in the Humans and it all goes haywire, there is an abundance of scenes with characters who don’t matter and are simply cannon fodder by the end, who really cares about these melodramatic teenagers and an alienated (excuse the pun) mother and her child when there are two of the universes deadliest creatures known to sci-fi-dom out there with potential for the biggest and baddest slugfest ever to be captured to film. And when the Humans do find themselves in the middle of and Alien and Predator ass-whooping it’s for a single fleeting moment.

If there is one thing we can say about either the Alien or the Predator franchises it’s that their characters were memorable; Ripley, Hudson, Hicks, Vasquez, Drake, Ash, Dutch, Blain, Harrigan. Here we got absolutely NOTHING.

Anyone who’s played the game or has half a brain knows that despite the actual title, AVP is essentially Aliens vs. Predators vs. Humans, and on that note, why is it so fucking hard to make a real AVP movie? Hell you could pull a total Sin City and do a shot for shot film version of one of the comics or even the damned computer game and it’d be friggin’ badass, fuck at least it’d actually be AVP and not some Dawson’s Creek crossover.

*Sigh* (Calm down Daniel, calm down) so was there anything positive about it? Yes actually there was but of course that had to be a spoiler as well didn’t it, god forbid they let the fans have their cake and eat it too (oh dear god did I just say that?) so we are given actual Aliens and actual Predators, unlike the bullshit that Anderson tried to pull on us these are the genuine looking sunsabitches we’ve come to know and love, no beefed up costume wearing wrestler Predators here, the Aliens and Predator has never looked so good.

It’s too bad we never get to admire them because for the most part they’ve immersed in shadows, it’s like the Strause brothers are trying to emulate the ‘what’s lurking in the shadows’ feel of the first Alien, hell that is what they were doing and maybe it would have worked had they not been hidden for the entire fucking movie, whenever we see either an Alien or a Predator it’s hard to tell the difference between them, not once do we ever get a good look at the PredAlien and by the final fight between it and the Predator in the rain I couldn’t even tell which one was which!

Thankfully the score isn’t half bad, fans of either franchises will recognize the various themes that have been integrated into score, the familiar Predator drums are heard throughout and there a hints of the original Alien score.

I know the age old saying of ‘what you don’t see is scarier then what you do’ but goddamn the movie is called ALIENS VERSUS PREDATOR, when I hear that title I envision badass fights between the two where we can see them as they tear up the streets and cause havoc and carnage everywhere they go, I want bloody and friggin’ guts by the bucket full, what we get are some burns, some cuts, some explosions and some spurts of the red stuff, most of which we cannot see because of the lowered contrast and the fact that they appear too be competing with Rob Zombie's Halloween in an effort to see how much nausea inducing shaky-cam shit they can throw at us.

It’s a damn sight better then the neutered piece of shit AVP was, but not by much.

Anderson looked to take a certain glee in taking all the Alien and Predator mythos and rules and completely throwing them out the window, whilst the Strause brothers decided to take every tidbit of Alien and Predator lore and shove it down our throat then proceed to add their own fan fiction into the mix, since when did a PredAlien ever have the ability to face hug and spawn chest bursters in matter of seconds, I’ll tell you when….never! It was simply the writers way to work themselves out of a corner they fucked themselves into and replenish the depleted stock of Predator cannon fodder. Rule be damned.

Don’t be surprised if there is another sequel, but I would like to ask, nay, beg the people at Fox, if you are reading this (and chances are you will never bother to lay eyes on these words) please reconsider this entire catastrophe, listen to the fans for once, Ridley Scott and James Cameron with Alien 5 does that sound more tempting then AVP-3? Why not give Rodriguez a chance with Predator 3?

Writing this review has made me think long and hard about the movie I had seen and I began to realize just what a mess it was, yes there were some good Alien vs. Predator moments but they were short and far between, the creatures for what we saw of them looked cool but then they were gone in the blink of an eye.

The gore felt forced and the damn thing was boring for long periods of time, this is a franchise which never should have been (by that I mean in this way).

We don’t want fan fiction, we don’t want hundreds of stupid ‘homage’s’ to the past films, we want our AVP.

That’s it, I’m finished, and I’ve lost my ability to think rationally, fuck this movie.

- Daniel ‘Danny’ Price

MOVIE: 2 out of 5

Posted by dannyp at 02:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

JANUARY 2008 EDITION by Danny Price

Happy New Year to you all, it’s a new year and with it comes a new batch of extra craptacular movies, half as good as your regular flick but twice as cheesy…just the way I like it.

Hard pressed to find something that’d top my first picks, I turned to my old friend The $2 Bin™ (well technically it’s a $6 bin, but that doesn’t have quite the same ring to it), having never been let down before by it’s mystical powers of marked downness I put my trust in its ability to offer cinemas proverbial regurgitations for a rock bottom price…possibly the smartest thing I’ve done all year…so far. So for your viewing entertainment (ha) I have prepared 2 truly despicable pieces of deep fried bottom dollar trashstickles and the strangest piece of cinema to have ever been pulled out of my ass! - Danny Price

CEMETERY GATES wad made in the cheesy year of: 2006 and cheesily directed by: Roy Knyrim

Have you ever noticed that nowadays it’s the Producers of movies that are getting credited on the DVD covers? Take Cemetery Gates for example, the front cover proudly boasts the words: From the Producer of DOG SOLDIERS, but can you really blame them? Here’s the alternative: From the Director of DEMONS AT THE DOOR….I rest my case.

With the above point made the quality of Cemetery Gates is signed, sealed and delivered, with a 100% Guarantee of bonerfied suckage. Not even the blessings of horror gurus Greg Nicatero and Howard Berger could stop this thing from making it’s inevitable decent into cinematic hell for the craptacular.

The good thing is that Cemetery Gates never tries to be more then what it eventually became, a plotless, pointless and {insert P word here]less, gore fest with a fake looking, but funny as hell, creature feature.

Though not the worst plot in the world, Cemetery Gate’s one had me in fits of girlish giggles when I read it, I mean serious…

Ahem *clears throat*…When a mutant Tasmanian Devil is set loose by an anti-animal cruelty group, it goes on the rampage and makes a home in the tunnels which run beneath the local cemetery where a group of collage students are filming a horror movie where a reality TV show, called Cemetery Gates, is overrun by zombies.

The scientists responsible for the mutation track it down to the cemetery in an attempt to recapture it.

So the Tasmanian Devil is indeed a vicious little bastard but seriously, look at the damn thing and tell me you’re terrified…

KILLER TONGUE was made in the cheesy year of 1996 and cheesily directed by Alberto Sciamma

Have you ever been unable to remember the title of a movie you saw so very long ago, but the memories of specific scene remain with you? Welcome to my world, a complex place already full of the weird unknown and never want to know, in walks Killer Tongue and shit just keeps getting weirder.

Four years ago I first saw Killer Tongue, I never knew what the title was because I missed the start, and chances are it wouldn’t matter because the damned thing wasn’t even in English and for some inexplicable reason there were only subtitles for half of the movie!

None of that matters because the movie was soon forgotten, lost in that dark abyss I call a headspace, but left in its wake, stuck somewhere in my mind were these scenes, allow me to share with you fragments of a B-Movie super giant that’s as big as the meteor which mutated four poodles into a bunch of drag queen servants to a six foot homicidal turkey fucking tongue.

- Candy, with her already mutated tongue, enters a gas station where the owner is having a bath, his vision blocked by a warm cloth (because there’s no better place to relax then a piece of shit gas station bath room), Candy’s mutated and extended tongue proceeds to go down on Mr. Gas Station Owner before taking an adventure down his throat, through his stomach and plowing straight out his ass, shattering the porcelain and spewing a flood of water, blood and feces all over the joint.

- After the above scene, Candy (shocked and appalled at the behavior of her new found appendage) tries to satisfy its hunger by sacrificing a frozen turkey, which the tongue enters in a bizarrely sexual manner and suddenly become Taz from Loony Toons, it tears it to shreds whilst Candy’s Poodles cum Tranny’s look on.

- In an attempt to end their dysfunctional relationship, Candy pulls an Ash and tries to sever limb from body, first trying to bite and tear the tongue from her mouth, all the while the tongue is talking to her and making remarks like: What do you want me to do? Move out and rent an apartment?

SUPERCROC was made in the cheesy year of 2007 and cheesily directed by xxx

Never has such a beast ever been seen, a beast of such strength, its power is brutal and its damage immeasurable….whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m not talking about the Croc itself, no you misunderstand me. You see, in all my life I have never seen such utter garbage, sheer boredom incarnated into 90 minutes of complete and utter idiocy.

Why must you see it you ask, because should you be able to endure, should you be able to persevere, should you be able to come out on the other side, beaten but not broken, after you have seen Supercroc no-one will ever question you ever again.

Basically a big ass crocodile is making its way towards a city and the army has to stop it from destroying said city, what they must first do however is wait for it.

Let me ask you something, do you remember when you were in school and the teacher put you on time out for 15 minutes, you’d sit there and you’d wait for what feels like 30 friggin’ minutes, then you’d look at the clock and realize it’d only been 5! That is Supercroc to a tee, it is torture to watch and try to stay awake. The croc, which should be causing a hearty amount of mayhem, seems content to simply take a stroll towards its destination; there is no point to this movie.

The sole purpose of watching this is for bragging rights, if you are of an impatient disposition then I implore you to not attempt to endure this, it is likely to send you loco.

Waste of time has a new name, it is Supercroc.

Posted by dannyp at 02:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

DECEMBER 2007 EDITION by Danny Price

G’day mate. That’s not a knife, this is a knife. I’ll get my boomerang so we can rustle up some tucker, cricky put another shrimp on the barby while you’re at it. You get the vegemite and we can ride our Kangaroos home. Okay, now that I’ve gotten all the clichés out of the way let me introduce myself, I’m your Aussie messiah and spiritual leader through the world of B-Movie cinema, there are places where you could get lost amidst the sea of schlock, so I shall endeavor to bring to you, good folk, some must see (or at least must know) pieces of cheesy movie crap. The world of schlock awaits, you are its bitch.

To kick things off I wanted to include some of my favorite bad movies, each one stood out to me in some way, shape or form, I have a problem with keeping things short and sweet (I am going to therapy to fix the problem, but it's hard getting past step 4) so hopefully my ranting won't be too boring.

Make no mistake, the movies here are bad (with a few exceptions) don’t blame me if you go blind from staring into the cinema equivalence of a solar eclipse, and I won't be paying your medical bill for cranial surgery coz your brain melted, so be warned kiddos.

DR. CHOPPER: Made in the cheesy year of: 2005 and cheesily directed by: Lewis Schoenbrun

What better a way to kick off this biatch then with my very favorite piece of shit B-Movie, the one, the only....Dr. Chopper, a slasher horror movie with so much cheese it'd make a fat (and I do mean fat) guy full.

What is Dr. Chopper I don't hear you ask, well I'll tell you what Dr. Chopper is anyway, it's a guilty pleasure in the form of 80 something minutes of pure unfiltered idiocy.

A world famous plastic surgeon and his two Playboy cover girl model nurses with watermelon sized tits are on the run from the law using the ol' Doc's trademark American Chopper. Flash forwards 15 or more years and we are introduced to the most bi-sexual and extremely stereotypical horny teens who just so happen to be heading to a dilapidated cabin in the middle of a woods where coincidently a decrepit, yet extremely spry, Dr. Chopper has been harvesting organs with his less Playboy cover girl model looking nurses, with their less ample and equally downsized titties, but increased decomposition rate and cannibalistic hunger, they do this in an attempt to find an undiscovered and unbelievably rare chromosome which will act as a biological fountain of youth and turn the psychopathic Dr. Chopper into a Nobel Peace prize winning scientist. *Phew*

Let me list a couple of its cheesy B-Movie moments;

1) We are introduced to the main character at the funeral of his parents, he is mourning and is traumatized, his first thought….If we all go to the cabin tonight I’ll get laid.

2) There are scenes added for no reason (other then the ‘Boner-Factor’) thrown left and fucking right which feature semi naked chicks standing around wearing bra and panties, in one scene a lesbian rubs her tits in her Asian girlfriends face even though she suspects there is a cannibalistic freakazoid nurse outside!

3) Costas Mandylor places a gritty and brooding park ranger who for the past 15 year has been looking for the person or persons hacking motherfuckers up, he has taken the job up in an attempt to drown his past demons as the widower of a cyropractor who couldn’t cure a patients back pains and killed herself……….that was no typo!

Oh and did I mention the main character is the illegitimate love child of Dr. Chopper as a result of his on again off again love affair with the guys mother seventeen years ago? Oh wait that’s the twist! Oh wait again, no it isn’t a twist it’s that extra slice of cheese sat atop what is truly a marvelous piece of crap.

SHARK ATTACK III: MEGALADON: Made in the cheesy year of: 2002 and cheesily directed by: David Worth

“I’m feeling tired, I think I’ll just go to bed”

“Well I’m feeling kind of wired, how bout I take you home and eat your pussy!” <- Prime example of cheese

I argued heavily and heatedly with that asshole I call my split personality (until me & I came to an agreement and have hot and heavy one handed makeup sex) as to if Shark Attack III could be called Schlock, because I wouldn’t really classify the first two as Schlock, they just weren’t good movies.

But by the time the end credits begin to roll I dare you not to agree with my decision to put it on here.

Shark Attack III is Shark Attack II with a bigger shark, but that was the deciding factor which elevated Shark Attack III to Schlock status, who wants to see a 100 foot shark eat shit up? *Raises hand*

When a rather large (but far from 100 foot) shark terrorizes the beaches of a island resort, tearing people in half and causing general marine animal havoc, a marine biologist is brought in to assist the local coastguard in the handling and disposing of said fishy (wait a moment, I think I’ve seen this movie). The biologist believes it to be a baby ‘Megaladon’, a prehistoric shark which reaches 100 feet, and recent human influence deep sea activity has opened a previously sealed cavern in the oceans deepest depths, releasing the long thought extinct species of badass fish.

Upon the first sharks death, sure enough, a true Megaladon emerges and swallows more loads then Jenna Jameson with a dislocated Jaw (see that? That’s called a homage).

This movie is so great in its absurdity. There is so much badly integrated stock footage it’s like watching several movies at once! Remember that episode of The Simpsons where Milhouse plays Fallout Boy in the new Radioactive Man movie and disappears so the editor shows an example of how they could replace him with stock footage…….yeah, that bad.

There is even a point in the movie where I am sure the filmmakers decided to make characters make illogical decisions only so they could watch the Megaladon swallow people again, just one more time. Let’s see…100 foot shark attacking boat by sea, hmm…..”ABANDON SHIP!!!!”

Cheesy effects + Cheesy characters + Cheesy dialogue = Cheesy movie….thank you god.

Shark Attack 3 clip - Seeing is believing...

TYRANNOSAURUS WRECKS: (THE EDEN FORMULA in the States) Made in the cheesy year of: 2006 and cheesily directed by: John Carl Buechler

The great thing about B-Movie schlock is that the worse the movie the bigger the pull factor, if you’re a fan of bad movies and you hear that a movie is so bad it’s worse then the worst movie you’ve ever seen, then it has to be seen. For me, in the last couple of week or so Tyrannosaurus Wrecks was that movie.

I first got a taste of how unimaginably bad it was from the god of schlock cinema, Foywonder, over at www.dreadcentral.com, his review under the title The Eden Formula, had me psyched to see, you may be asking ‘why?’, and the answer is because I’m a glutton for punishment, so sue me.

So of course I was ecstatic to see this straight to video piece of crap staring back at me from a shelf at my local video store, 76 minutes later I knew that I had hit the very bottom of the crap movie pile.

For my first write-up I knew I had to throw in monster movies (which are some of the schlockiest movies of all time) but there is so many that I knew it had to be a standout, prime example of idiocy, here it is.

Simply put, a scientist creates a little something called The Eden Formula and clones a Tyrannosaurus Rex using said formula, the achievement becomes a big thing (as you would expect) and it isn’t long before someone else wants to get their greedy little hands on the discovery so a team of oh so very unbelievable soldiers led by Candyman himself are sent into retrieve it, shit hits the fan when they open every door in the facility in which the cloned T-Rex is being kept, then WHAMO dino on the loose in LA baby.

Sounds great doesn’t it? Wait till you see the dinosaur, it has had some very, very, very, very, VERY bad computer generated work, but the cheap and cheesy puppetry is pure genius, I have never so guilty for laughing at something so embarrassing, you know when you’re watching something alone but you still feel embarrassed that you’re watching it anyway? It is just like that! But you know what, for a movie so stupid, the acting isn’t that bad! Tyrannosaurus Wrecks is the ultimate ridicule movie, if you’re watching it with some mates you’ll have a blast tearing the shit out of its hokeyness.

Posted by dannyp at 02:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)