THE RETURN OF SCHLOCK - JULY EDITION

*Phew* finally, I’m back after a hiatus that spanned many months and many moon. I have been engaged in many other projects which have kept me from diving back into the cinematic septic tank and sampling the… delicacies that are up for offer. So kicking of my mighty return I thought I’d celebrate by including the much talked about MEGA SHARK versus GIANT OCTOPUS. If you follow the Schlock Value myspace page you’ll know that it’s a flick I’ve held high on my list of must see pieces of crap. In addition I’ve served up a dish of PSYCHO COP, a movie so confusingly bad it’s inhuman to watch twice, but I did anyway. Just for you guys. And finally is RetarDEAD, a movie that I’m not even going to tease you with. So scroll on down and dine with me tonight, it’s gonna get cheesy!

MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS 3D … oh wait, that’s right they couldn’t afford the 3D! In that case… MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS was spawned in 2009 by JACK PER - *ahem* - I mean ACE HANNAH !!

I’ve spent the last couple of hours leading up to this write up wondering how one goes about reviewing a movie whose title is superior to many movies made nowadays, which, though valid enough, is no slight on movies of today’s creation. It is in actuality a simple truth about the movies sheer cheesy genius and also a not so cleverly concealed way of being a review for one best bad movies I have ever see laid my eyes on.

Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus is without a shadow of a doubt one of – if not – the best so bad it’s good shit flick every to come out of the cesspit of crap pies churned out by The Asylum. Though not all that ballsy a statement in itself it’s fucking true. The title alone brings a tear to many peoples eye, and just a glance at the all to famous trailer can give people a need to change their pants. And you know what? It’s fucking hideous!

The film opens in gorgeous Antarctica brought to life with what is most likely 90% stock footage, including some simply captivatingly obvious mismatched shots of coral reefs. Obviously someone forgot to hire continuity. Above the water is some dude in a helicopter who drops an illegal sonar device into the waters below where Deborah Gibson and a characterless minion are going for a wildlife cruise only to get into a head on collision with a bunch of quite frankly oversized whales which are getting pissed off with the sonar device and decide it’d be a grand idea to run head on into a nearby ice wall and accidently release the titled Mega Shark and his aquatic buddy the Giant Octopus who both go swimming off into the deep blue and BAM no sooner are they release then they start reeking holy hell on human kind.

Our eight tentacles gargantuan starts by fucking up the day of an oilrig somewhere near Japan and – wait a minute, did I just hear those guys talking about pissing on people? Oh, sorry Giant Octopus, right. Well despite being oh so very giant he doesn’t manage to kill everyone, no-no, quite conveniently a single Asian looking but oh so very Australian sounding worker gets out alive and unscathed so he can actually draw the beasts eye to the government. Yes indeed, they give him a paper and pencil and he draws an eye thank you government of the world, you know your shit.

I almost forgot the finned counterpart who gets his kicks out of literally leaping from the water, into the air and nabbing a Boeing 747 out of the fucking sky… no typos there my friends. That’s right, a 50 something meter long shark leaps from the water through the clouds all so it can eat a plane with absolutely no rhyme or reason other then it looked cool. Indeed the scene lasts for all of seven seconds and plays no part in the story at all but my got did it look awesome.

Oh shit, the human characters, right, right, right… them. Well for those who care, Deborah Gibsons character Emma MacNeil – who by the way is a Marine Biologist, bet you didn’t expect to see one of those – and her mentor of old, Lamar Sanders, conduct an intensive scientific analysis involving colourful liquids being mixed and many bemused looks and approving head nod, oh and Sanders looked into a microscope once! And they do this so they can determine that the foot long tooth they found does indeed belong to a big fucking shark! With this startling revelation made they enlist the help of Seiji Shimada who is investigating the oil rig incident and the three begin a lifelong quest to save the world from tyranny and bring equality to humanity by way of truth justice and an ability to deliver painfully awkward dialogue… okay so maybe that’s a bit of a lie… except for that last part. But they determine that they’re hunting too separate creatures because of one obvious inconsistency, and I quote, the creature from the drawings has an “enormous eye with a slit shaped pupil” now I’m no genius but I think those tentacles might be the major give away but hey, I’m no scientist.

And then… the flash cuts appear. Nearly every single time there’s a cut it’s accompanied by the screen flashing white and a whooshing sound effect. Why? I have no fucking clue. Like much of this movie there’s no reason for any of it. And speaking of unnecessary, keep an eye out for the ominous Seagull shot early in the film.

After being unwillingly recruited by a Lorenzo Lamas lead government sanctioned crack team, our trio, under armed surveillance, set about trying to create a way of luring the two creature so they can capture them (because capturing giant killer monsters has always worked in the past). Again this hyper scientific experiment consists mostly of mixing the red food dye with the blue food dye and looking disappointed when it doesn’t make a pretty colour. During this time the sexual tension between MacNeil and Shimada, which has been, building quite lack lustre for the last couple of minutes reaches a fever pitch and climaxes (hee hee) in nerdy maintenance room sex. So much for that armed surveillance huh? After their little mop room romp they figure out that they can use pheromones to attract the creatures.

Their plans don’t go quite as smoothly as they’d like and results in the Megaladon taking a chomp out of a submarine and then, get this, the mother fucking golden gate bridge! No joke, if the plane wasn’t already enough it jumps out and bites the bridge in half. No reason. Just because. Why not right? God I love this movie!

Their Plan B? Fuck catching them, lure the two together and get the fuckers to duke it out. Their justification? They didn’t run and hide during the ice age so… they obviously hate each other… duh… you’ve got to wonder just how high the writers were when doing this.

After much convoluted dialogue, which amounts to very little more then run time filler and attempted character development the real reason anyone bought this DVD gets underway. It’s an hour and fifteen minutes into the movie but the title fight is finally underway with much squeezing, ink squirting and limb chomping. During which time the Octopus finds a moment to kick the ass of Shimada’s submarine. Resuming their not quite epic but still rather entertaining head to head, the two gargantuans wind up in a tie, having killed each other. How? I’m not entirely sure, I think the Octopus squeezed Megaladon to death and the Octopus kinda… just… bleed… to death. The point is they’re dead.

Just when you think it’s over Shimada pops out of the depths in an emergency scuba pod, somehow the sole survivor of his subs destruction. Our trio and ol’ Lorenzo Lamas swim away, living to tell the tale. And the film ends with the love birds sitting on the beach admiring the cliché of it all and leaving room for a sequel that so desperately needs to be made.

I can’t believe I’m going to say this about an Asylum movie but… I’m glad this was made! I am really glad one can own such a fine piece of schlock cinema. One of the very best so bad it’s good monster romps we had in years.

PSYCHO COP was spawned in the year 1989 by WALLACE POTTS

In 1989 a filmmaker sat down and had a vision, he saw a video store, and in that video store there was a kid. A curious boy (or girl to be politically correct) he was, and this curious boy just so happened to be browsing the shelves of the video store in search of a movie that his friend had recommended him. This boys friend had promised him, swearing on his life, that the movie was scary, that it was super awesome, that it had to be seen no matter what. And so the young boy had taken his friends advice and gone searching, which is how he found himself walking the horror section of the video store. If only he could remember the name of that movie, what was it? What was it? It was something cop… Killer Cop? No that wasn’t it… Crazy Cop? No not that either. Dammit, the kid swore. He knew that it was something similar to that, some variation of the word crazy. If only he could remember - AH-HA! There it is… sitting on the shelf, sandwiched next to some black and white movie by some old guy with the word cock in his name, was the movie… Psycho Cop. That MUST be it… right?

And with that my friends, I give you an insight into what was likely the mindset of the makers of Psycho Cop and their attempt, realising good and well the quality of film they produced, to have their movie seen… when all else fails, rip off a better one.

Psycho Cop begins boringly enough with - surprise, surprise - the titled Psycho Cop being all, well… psycho. He knocks off a couple who come across some his earlier handy work before BAM. We cut to the next day and are introduced to our cliché and over preppy teenagers being played by obviously not teenage actors, complete with awkward acting and knowing one liners such as; “…there’s no such thing as a free ride. Someone always has to pay.” Are you ready for surprise number two? They’re heading into the woods to a holiday house for a weekend of underage drinking and premarital sex.

Along the way they catch the attention of out unlawful psycho who secretly follows them to their weekend getaway. Where our teenies soon meet the resident care taker who looks like he just stepped out of a Fabio lookalike contest, sprouting such brilliantly written lines like; “I’m the caretaker here, I live over there.” and incase you haven’t guessed already, I will be quoting the movie throughout this thing because by god is this some of the worst written trash I have ever had the misfortune to have seen.

The obvious survivor girl gets her first brush with her inbuilt spidey senses - they come standard with the stereotype - when she senses someone watching her. This is brushed off by one of the others as simple paranoia, the first but certainly not the last time such an event occurs. Bear with me, you’ll see what I mean.

The filmmakers attempt to throw suspicion on the caretaker almost immediately, which fails epically because we know he’s not the Psycho Cop as we’ve already seen his identity! Nevertheless one of the characters becomes suspicious of the caretaker but this too is soon brushed off as simple paranoia.

Meanwhile there’s a lot of shots of the Psycho Cop traipsing about in knee high black boots to the sound of DUN-DUN music which I suppose is supposed to be scary and suspenseful but fails immensely. Also, why do they keep trying to conceal the Psycho Cops identity? Again, we have already seen his freakin’ face! Anyway, the caretaker must have contracted survivor girls spidey senses because there’s a scene where he’s just walking along and then for no reason at all, stops, and looks around cautiously before deciding nothing is there. But there is… a Psycho Cop, and he’s drawing pentagons in the dirt with his finger… because that’s what Psycho Cops do… right?

So then we get to see the teenagers being all carefree and yuppie like before their fun is interrupted by the sound of the caretaker chopping wood, which for some reason causes them to become super suspicious like it’s the sound of tortured kittens instead of everyday manliness. Unbeknownst to them however it’s really the Psycho Cop. When the caretaker realises his beloved axe has been thieved he confronts him and is killed without a sound. The teens hear the caretakers screams of agony and… wait a minute, he didn’t scream! How the fuck does continuity fuck up that badly? Hell all it takes is to throw a scream sound into the edit and you can bandage that gaping continuity wound quick smart but no, that’s how incredibly cheap and shoddy this movie is. They can’t even be bothered doing that.

Brushing off the sound as being part of the music - funny I would have put it down to simple paranoia - they sit down to lunch and more booze when a news report of a woman’s disappearance and evidence of linked devil worship comes in over the radio causing more paranoia to be dismissed. And I quote; “just because a woman did not come home one night, doesn’t mean something happened to her.” this is swiftly followed up with Doug looking for the missing caretaker, with; “just because a guy is not around, doesn’t mean something has happened to him.” Mr. Writer/Director Wallace Potts, you sir are a good example of why people keep letting Uwe Boll make movies.

Our teenie buddies come across a bunch of wooden crosses planted by the Psycho Cop, casting more unconvincing suspicion on the caretaker. Laura in all her survivor girl wisdom gets the feeling that something isn’t right, backed up by the ever deep voiced Doug the two secure their roles as potential survivors. Watching the pair work their tag team is nothing short of painful.

Night falls and the Psycho Cop starts playing mind games with the our heroes by taking their shit right out from beneath their noses; “just because we can’t find them, doesn’t mean someone stole them!” I swear to god the writing process was as simple as cut and paste. So douche bag Zack heads into town to get more beer when he finds the road blocked and delivers one cringe worthy monologue to himself about finding a beer before being offed to such wonderful one liners; “you have the right to remain silent,” and “shouldn’t drink and drive, it’s against the law.” believe me when I say they’re really riding the killer cop angle to as far as they can take it.

Back at the house Doug is once again accused of yet more paranoia, and you can bare witness to the further downward spiral of the films literary quality. It’s like watching an awkward school play put on by first time actors still reading their lines off of cue cards. They might as well draw a face on a wall and call it an actor because that’s about as good as the performances ever get in this.

Fast forward a good twenty minutes and very little story progression has occurred. The bimbo is lured into the woods with her hair brush and is run down and the word “paranoid” is repeated another sixty billion times. A further twenty minutes and still nothing more then the “paranoid” word count has changed. It’s not until the 71 minute mark that anything really happens. We learn the Psycho Cops real identity as someone we’ve never heard of before. Apparently he was a mental patient who managed to become a cop! Now I’m no expert on all that is policeman-ish but I’m pretty sure that if some dude who walks around and looks like a human being with a metal pole shoved up his ass and pumped full of energy drinks on an hourly basis were to break out of a nuthouse and try to become a cop they’d catch on pretty fucking quick that he’s not all there. I mean seriously, one look at the motherfucker and you shoot him on sight.

The film culminates in - surprise, surprise - our survivor duo going toe to toe with Psycho Cop who is defeated by Doug who javelins a tree branch into him! I kid you not. I know he’s supposed to be a football playing type but seriously, he tosses and skewers the fuck out of him. He’s more freakin’ superhuman then the Psycho Cop for christ sake.

In conclusion my friends, Psycho Cop makes for a great social experiment in seeing what effect the same recycled shit painted different colours will do to a viewer, try it out on a friend and see what happens. But don’t be surprised when they try to strangle you for submitting them to such inhuman and merciless torture. Psycho Cop is so bad that it almost physically hurts to sit through it… I don’t know if even I can recommend this. But it’s an experience to be sure.

PSYCHO COP TRAILER

RetarDEAD was spawned in GOD ONLY KNOWS WHEN and by GOD ONLY KNOWS WHO (but for the purists it’s 2008 and STEVE GRAINGER respectively)

There is a problem with the world and let me tell you what that problem is… RetarDEAD. The problem, you ask. Well, it exists for starters! I just got sent a copy of the DVD in the mail, delivered in little more then a paper slip case. It was like getting top secret information, only it was in the form of crappy movie. This has quite possibly changed the way I think about schlock, it’s certainly redefined the idea of cheap. Not to mention bottom of the barrel as well as low brow as fuck to top it all off! This is so bad that it’s bad to a point where it circles back around and become even worse. It’s fucking glorious!

The event - because this is no mere movie watching - begins with the biggest and most amazing surprise I have been given in a while. See the movie starts by ripping off Grindhouse by including flux trailers and an old school animated intermission like that you’d have experienced on 42 nd street back in the day. But that wasn’t what got me, see for a good year I have been searching for the movie that I had once seen a screen cap for which promised “SCENES OF PANT SHITTING TERROR” and low and behold here it is! It just fell right into my lap and I was reduced to a quivering heap of human, laughing so hard the moment that shot came up that it hurt.

But I am distracted, because all that comes before the film starts and when it does it starts it’s downhill ride at breakneck speed. It opens with the most hideous quality footage I have seen in long time, my mobile phone records clearer video then this for Christ sake. So this little girl wakes up after having a dream about an evil doctor who created ‘the poop man’ - this is a sequel by the way - she proceeds to tell the story to her father. See Dr. Stern (the poop man maker) is an evil genius with a plan. He wears an eye patch to cover up a burn - which changes shape and texture in every scene - and sets up shop in an abandoned factory before setting about continuing his prior experiments and creating the ultimate super genius by becoming a teacher at a special school and experimenting on the mentally handicapped. All the while the police are in pursuit of a criminal known only as “the weenie wacker.”

Three stories converge into one as FBI Agent Hannigan - whom I assume is a continuing character from the previous movie - and the two bumbling idiot cops pursuing “the weenie wacker” cross paths, uncovering Dr. Sterns plan which has gotten out of control. The super intelligence drug has one hell of a side effect in that it turns people into zombies. They break out and go on a rampage of lacklustre proportions, brought to life by heinously bad special effects that I don’t think will be rivalled in my lifetime. Keep an eye out for the clay model head shot, you’ll see it an be amazed.

You will be amazed at how truly cheap this film looks. Literally. There are times when you can see the tape holding shit together, including the police lights affixed badly to the top of the jeep that’s supposed to pass as a police vehicle and the spray paint on the guns is worn off. It tries way to hard to be funny and looks to be made by people with no idea how to edit in even the most basic of fashions and takes shot on digital crap to a whole new level. It’s special in a way only a movie about zombie retards could be.

And as a follow up, I’d like to point out the fact that not only did the DVD come in a paper slipcase and have a spelling error in the menu but in the trailers menu there is an option button that still has the default template text. What does that tell you?

RetarDEAD TRAILER

Posted by RobG at 09:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

SCHLOCK VALUE - January Edition

First of all welcome everyone to the year 2009, isn’t it a lovely year already? I mean how can it not be with news of Rob Zombies Halloween 2 being released even sooner.......moving on. Another year, another slab of schlock, this time it’s an all nature issue. Right off the bat we have the awesomely uneventful KvC: Komodo vs. Cobra, a movie that features a lot of both creatures in it just...not at the same time. Then there’s the abominable Yeti, a surprisingly entertaining Sci-fi bowl movement featuring a man coated in fur and latex (and if that doesn’t get you off I don’t know what will!). Wrapping it all up is a particular favourite of mine, Devil Fish, well that’s the title I know it as, keeping in line with the movies of its time it actually has several titles of which it goes by, another of which you’ll find below. On a side note, doesn’t the poster for Devil Fish stand out amongst the other two, it’s soooo much more interesting that’s for sure, what happened to the days when posters rocked? Anyway, I wanted to bring that up because – without giving anything away – there’ll be plenty of vintage monster movie posters coming soon on Schlock Value.

Enjoy - Danny

KOMODO vs. COBRA

...was spawned in the year of 2005 and blameable on Jim Wynorski

Monster movies get me harder than a 13 year old boy at a Victorias Secret Fashion Show, and I want it to go on record that nothing gets me harder then when I see a giant VS. between two monsters names. Track records aren't great on these movies though, most turn out stinking worse than the worse piece of dog crap you've ever got stuck on the bottom of your shoe, Komodo vs. Cobra is no exception to this, but then who in the right mind ever expected it to be?

KvC: Komodo vs. Cobra is about a bunch of greenies who along with 'I want to be an action hero' Michael Pare stumble upon a top secret military island in the middle of somewhere where an ever topper and especially more secreter experiment is being conducted, it goes by the clever name of 'Project Carnivore' and just so happens to involve gigantisizing creatures, two in particular, can you guess which ones? The rest of the film is spent following our little group as they trek across the island and attempt to get to a helicopter so they can get off the island. That's pretty much it, they stumble across the bigasized reptiles on occasion and there's an out of place encounter with a bunch of leeches but all that is just a way to tie together the extended scenes of exposition and environmentalist musings.

Some years back when I was but a wee tyke getting into movies of the monster variety I happened upon an incredibly stupid really badly made monster flick featuring scientifically bred GCI lizards attacking peeps on an island, it was simply called Komodo - a movie which is likely to show up in a future Schlock the next time I visit the video store - and damn it if KvC: Komodo vs. Cobra isn't just a remake of Komodo with a giant Cobra thrown in for flavour, resulting in a bitter tasting little treat I wouldn't feed to a starving hobo. Well maybe I would just so I could say that this foul tasting tripe was so bad not even a hobo could swallow it.

For a movie called Komodo vs. Cobra there is very little versing to speak of, in fact there is none right up until the final couple of minutes and even then it only lasts a fleeting couple of seconds, the two giant ass poorly made CGI reptiles finally come together and proceed to stare at each other while epic music for an epic less scene plays over what seems like a five minute stare down, then they tussle for a split second and BOOM they get fucked up by bombs. Have you ever watched a movie with guns and turned to your buddy and asked "have they reloaded yet?", you will be asking the same question so many times that by the final scene where Michael Pare fires a gazillion bullets from a handgun you'll be left shaking your head and cursing the films existence, probably even considering the burning of the DVD just to save whatever poor soul might have rented it after you under the same assumption that it'd be a stupidly good time. KvC: Komodo vs. Cobra is a half assed tug job culminating in an un-climactic orgasm from a ten buck hooker behind the dumpster on the corner of 42nd street.

YETI

....was spawned in the year of 2008 and blameable on Paul Ziller

Oh the sweet taste of sci-fi originality, Paul Ziller knows how to make conspiracy theory monster movies, by that I mean creatures like the Loch Ness Monster, or the Yowie, or Chupacabras, or in this case The Abominable Snowman, or Big Foot, Yeti, whatever name it goes by nowadays. How many abominable snowman movies are there anyway? Trust the sci-fi channel to take the concept, infusing it with their special blend of craptastic juices and spawning a surprisingly entertaining movie.

A football team en route to the land of sushi and the mother of all lizards goes down in the Himalayas, the survivors are forced to brave the torturous elements, setting up camp using the wreck for cover internal conflict begins to flare. There's little actual food left but hey lookie over here, Ol' Bobbies still as meaty in death as he was in life, human. Human, the other white meat, well they do say we taste like pork! Amidst all the back and forth arguing and squabbling over whether they're really that hungry someone or something has already decided they don't mind some human cutlets. Before anyone in the group can go all Hannibal the Cannibal Quarterback, the Yeti responsible for the films title starts to steal the corpses during the night. They also manage to work in a romantic angle, because where would a movie about football players being terrorized by a seven foot abominable snowman be without one of those? The customary sub-plot does serve the purpose of spurring out hunky heroes into hunting down Mr. Yeti after he takes the female half of the relationship for his own, presumably to make sweet Yeti love to her.

As much as I don't mind this sci-fi attempt at making a monster movie out of a true story, there was one very obvious problem, too much time was spent on the characters and their trying to stay alive, which is all good and well, it wasn't poorly executed but this movie is called Yeti, let's see more Yeti, well actually simply having more Yeti action would suffice. We don't need to see the actual thing because let's face it it wasn't a very convincing Yeti costume, but for the audience who nowadays is likely to take one look at a practical effects filled horror flick and deem it not modern enough due to it's lack of GCI, fear not you sad excuse for a movie goer because the film features some incredibly painful digital work that looks like they stopped halfway in the making of and said: "fuck it, it's good enough." But isn't that why we love our friends The Sci-fi Channel? I sure do! Could you imagine a world without such cinematic wonders as Pterodactyl and Bats: Human Harvest?.....just imagine. But at least there is a badass scene where the Yeti rips of one of the characters limbs and beats him to death with it!


SHARK: RED ON THE OCEAN (a.k.a DEVIL FISH)

...was spawned in the year of 1984 and blameable on Lamberto Bava

Lamerto Bava proves he didn't quite inherit his fathers filmmaking gene in this film about a genetically created Shark-Octopus (Octark or Sharktopus, whatever floats your boat) hybrid which sounds like a voice filled with hate (as described by one of the characters), and goes buck wild on a sexually active beach community making it then up to the token bad shark movie characters; brooding gung-ho marine biologist, bathing suit clad eye candy dolphin trainer, and the dedicated local sheriff, but our James Murphy hero comes in the form of Peter, an cable repair guy who spawns the films compulsory romantic subplot with wet suit clad eye candy dolphin trailer (entirely necessary). You can't tell me that the idea of a half shark half octopus villain doesn't get you all weak between the loins.

The film opens with the compulsory 'something lurking beneath the water' scene, complete with a couple in a boat (though they're far from making out), the couples boat is tentacles to death by the evil sea creature. We're then introduced to the films eye candy Stella, who doubles as the films heroine and later triples as the co-romantacist (is that even a word? If not it should be), her pleasant demeanour and serene smile indicates she's a good human being and we should indentify with her. Just once I want to see a movie where the mainies are pricks and bitches.

The film is clearly lacking in the editing department, it's like the filmmakers can't decide what they want on screen, one second we're here, cut to there, and then to there, and back to that place, then to the other place, oh don't forget over here and end on there, all in the space of a couple of minutes we get to see six or seven fucking things happening at once, and none of them matter! Sadly this happens again, and again, and again, and again x10. Speaking of editing decisions that make no sense, what movie features its title twice in the opening credit sequence? Duh, this one! Within the same minute we are told the films title twice just in case you missed it the first time.

Introducing tech wiz Peter and assistant Sandra (who clearly wants to ride the guy till the end of days), they're brought in to help save the day from whatever's been knocking of motherfuckers.

We get two sexless sex scenes, thanks can be sent to a scientist and his mistress who're having a sordid love affair which plays as another of the films many unnecessary subplots, and also Peters horny assistant makes her move by instigating a game of tonsil hocky with him.

Stuff happens and more characters are introduced, each with at least two of their own subplots (this film could have been complex if it hadn't had been so freaking dumb), people go out looking for the creature, failing to find it they try to capture the sound it makes (huh!?) and fail to do that too, a person or two dies, Peter and Stella's romantic subplot culminates in yet another sexless sex scene on a beach. Towards the end it's revealed that the sharktopus, which is apparently 40 feet long with a 6 foot wide mouth, is only a baby and is yet to have its growth spurt (the writers attempt for a twist? Or perhaps a gasp moment! Either way it did neither) Oh and if you cut off a piece of this creature that piece then grows into a creature itself! The film FINALLY culminates with the sharktopus getting torched....yes they burn it to death....as in with fire....on a fish....in the water....with fire....and it works....the end.

In short...THIS MOVIE FUCKING ROCKS!!

Posted by dannyp at 11:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

SCHLOCK VALUE - December to Disremember

Wow, it's been a whole year since Schlock Value slid it's greasy ass into Icons of Fright. Schlock started as a Friday night ritual, back then it had no name, I would simply take a trip to the local video store and look for the dumbest monster movies I could find, and when there were no more monster movies to be found I'd look for the dumbest movie in the entire store. I had no incentive to mentally torture myself with these...things back then, but I'll be damned if it wasn't fun to do so. I guess that makes me a cinematic-masochist!

Well enough reminiscing, let's move on to the matter at hand, Decembers serving of schlocktastic madness come with variety, a mixed bag of both so bad it's good, not so bad and still good, and genuinely bad. You have a choice of aliens, slashers and even monsters from the briny deep...well it's more like the fresh water wade-able. Enjoy it my friends, and I'll see you all next year. - danny

THE SALENA INCIDENT spawned in the year of 2005 and blameable on Dustin Rikert

Now let us get one thing straight, The Salena Incident (otherwise known as Alien Invasion Arizona) is not a good movie, it's not even a fun movie, it sure as hell isn't interesting, smart, inventive or pleasing to the eye, it features nothing we haven't seen done before, and soooo much better for that matter.

Would you believe it but this movie takes place in Arizona (that explains the alternate title then) so an alien spacecraft crash lands in a small mining town and into the mines the extraterrestrial survives go scurrying quickly followed by some easily dispatched soldiers. During this time, a prison bus is transporting a small group of naughty boys to their deathbeds, this doesn't settle well with one of the prisoners who sets into motion a daring escape plan involving a pair of well endowed bleach blonde bimbos. Guards and nurse are taken hostage Yarda, yarda, yarda, the rag tag bunch of stereotypes wind up at the town nobody seems to live in, a town which is conveniently located above the alien filled mines beneath, there's a romantic subplot and customary government involvement. Un-interesting chaos ensues.

The Salena Incident, Alien Invasion Arizona, whatever you want to call it, is tasteless cheese, which is the worse kind. It's riddled with missed opportunities, we hardly ever get to see the damned things and when we do they aren't anything special to look at, they're rather fake looking in a laugh coz it looks stupid kind of way. It's really a shame because this could have been some entertaining shit, good for a Friday night, sadly it plays more as a midday TV-movie.

THE GINGERDEAD MAN spawned in the year of 2005 and blameable on Charles Band

I've seen a killer tongue, I've seen a killer condom, hell I've even seen killer vegetables, and now I can say that I've seen a killer bakers treat tastily dusted in pure cheesy delight.

A crazed murderer by the name of Findlemeyer (doesn't that name just make you wanna smile?) takes that long walk to the electric chair after the dual murders of our heroines (Sarah Leigh) brother and father, not to mention trying to kill her during the armed robbery. Now as little more then a pile of ash, how can Findlemeyer (hee hee) commit such atrocious acts of violence? I'll tell you how, his witch of a mother mixes his dear sons ashes into a some gingerbread dough, sneaking in the extra spicy dough to Sarah’s family bakery. Sarah unwittingly brings the killer back to life when she makes forms the dough into the shape of our villainous villain voiced by none other then Gary Busey (did you see that one coming?).

This movie just doesn't seem able to do wrong, everything about it oozes B-movie cheese. The killer gingerbread man is up there with the best horror villains, he's like chucky only with less plastic. The way Busey plays the character is like a foul mouthed Freddy Krueger whose been in one too many padded rooms. But it's not all about Buseys gingerman (mostly but not all), nearly every character is the film is at least partially bat shit crazy, from the unbelievably hateable, so-bitchy-I-want-to-smash-her-face-in, daughter of the hick bakery store owning rival across the street to Sarah’s alcoholic mother whose lack of sanity rivals that of the walking, talking, profanity spewing baked good that's doing all the terrorising.

In short, The Gingerdead Man is a winner in every sense of the word, rent or buy it, grab an intoxicating beverage, get together some friends and laugh your fucking asses off.



LOCK NESS TERROR spawned in the year of 2008 and blameable on Paul Ziller

The lochness monster, the abominable snowman, big foot, yowies, these are all creatures whose very existence remain mysteries. Many a movie has been made about them, many a movie made about them have sucked, this is not one of them. This is a good/bad movie, this is a fun movie, this is an enjoyably dopy, unapologetically cheesy Friday nights worth of entertainment. God bless it.

When a bunch of scientists discover a large egg at the bottom of the loch they don't consider it to be even marginally stupid to bring it to the surface and claim it for their own. Not until the pissed off mother follows them up and proceeds to lay down an aquatic lizard tasting smack down on the atom splitting busybodies. A young James Murphy is witness to his fathers death at the hands (or flippers if you'd prefer) of little nessie, only to grow up to be a scar face, bad tempered, ex-Charmed star hell-bent on revenge that'd make Quint from Jaws look little (Quint never used a ray gun against Bruce did he?). He's so incredibly wannabe badass that my friends and I have coined the phrase "Pulling a James Murphy!" in honour to Brian Krause's portrayal of the man.

Getting back on track, a dinosaur esque creature of the swimming variety is sighted in the Loch some years later, but fear not for James Murphy is on the case! He comes in with guns. Lots of guns. Lots of big guns, with rays and stuff on them. A bunch of expendable teens get involved, there's a black guy who dies, a prick...who dies, someone else dies (do you see a pattern emerging here?) and there's a couple of not so expendable teens that have a romantic entanglement.

If you're looking from some good monster action (and really, who isn't) Loch Ness Terror is the one night stand for you. There's a surprising amount of bloody action to be found, limbs are flying left right and centre and dammit if the creature doesn't look all that bad, it's got surprisingly good effects for a Sci-fi original, hell this whole movie is surprisingly good for a Sci-fi original.

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SCHLOCK VALUE

SEPTEMBER 2008 EDITION

It’s time it’s in the air it’s what everybody wants. IT’S SCHLOCK VALUE!!

That’s right boys and girls, it’s time for another slice of that cheese filled pie you just can’t get enough of (holy crap my openers are getting bad!), anyways, this month’s installment into the epic saga that is Schlock Value sees a worldwide attack orchestrated by killer vegetables, a killer gigantic CGI eel that can swim through thin air and a horror movie that features a teenager engaging in an actual debate with her killer before their real, real identity is revealed.

Enjoy poopyheads.

Attack of the Sabretooth was spawned by George Miller in the year 2005

The first of two monster movies in this issue also happens to be the first sabretooth tiger movie I’ve ever seen, which isn’t all that impressive because I only know of two sabretooth tiger movies...hmm good thing though because my first sabretooth tiger movie experience wasn’t impressive at all.

The ex-step brother of a wealthy good to do businessman is invited to his ex-step brothers island where he’s holding a party/business meeting to celebrate the opening of his island resort/hotel/theme park whose main attraction are a number of resurrected sabretooth tigers brought to life with cloning technology.

This all coincides with a bunch of good looking teenagers (including such stereotypes as; the Goth, the jock, the Asian, the token black character and the virginal good girl) pledges who have been sent to the island to take part in a scavenger hunt as part of their tasks. Gee that’ll end well.

This one had all the makings of a stupid good time on a late Friday night with a beer and a bag of Doritos, I’ve had many such a night with the likes of Komodo, Python and Arachnophobia I had just such a night with this little diddy, make no mistake though because it’s very, very bad.

If I had a dollar for every CGI creature I’ve seen I’d be a fucking millionaire (billionaire if it were for every bad CGI creature), from that little comment you may have already guessed that Attack of the Sabretooth has had a less than impressive amount of computer work put into making its main baddies look as sinister and intimidating as they should be! Not only that but there’s not even many of them. The CGI is so poor it’s plainly obvious that the people who were put in charge of creating them had absolutely no idea about a tigers body or bone structure because NO tiger or even cat can army crawl like that! It’s physically impossible!!! (Notice the exclamation points)

So we’re at the halfway point in the game, how bout we check out the scoreboard thus far, we have a pitiful amount of on screen time with the sabretooth tigers, and what little we do have is shoddy and poorly done, so is there anything good about it? YES, believe it or not but there are funny characters, they’re so stereotype that they’re fun to watch get slaughtered one by one, and their dialogue isn’t the normal cheapo indie horror flick drivel that we’re so used to seeing, it’s actually funny...at times.

Like I said before, it’s good for a lazy night with fuck all to do the next morning, expect nothing and you’ll get very little in return.


Razortooth was spawned by Patricia Harrington in the year 2006

Where would our genre be without the humble monster movie? In a very sad a sorry state that’s where, monster movies are the backbone of the horror genre, whether they be giant insects, mutant aliens or the age old werewolf, monster movies have always guaranteed one thing...fun times!

When a secret scientific organisation breeds an eel that grows to be ten times its normal size it’s inevitable that the big bastard breaks out (that’s the number one rule of any good nature runs amok flick) it just so happens that a pair of convicted felons decide to break out on the very same night and the guards sent out to search for them are torn to shreds by the slippery sucker, and so begins Razortooth, one very stupid movie with even worse digital effects.

Razortooth is without a doubt a spawn of cinematic stupidity, and I call foul on the DVD cover which clearly describes as such: “Something is alive that should have died eons ago...” now I ask you, does that sound like the description of a genetically modified science experiment that’s gone wrong? Nope.

Anyways, being a hugely-massive-gigantic-super-doper-uber fan of all movies monstrous and run amok I’ve seen many a movie that promises grip the edge of your seat tension and fails to deliver said tension, so does Razortooth deliver the tension the DVD cover promises? HELL NO! What it does have however is an abundance of shots showcasing it’s amazingly fake looking CGI eel, there are so many that it’s like a little kid with a brand new toy, it almost appears like they made characters make stupid decision all so they could show off their fancy eel...almost.

There have been so many fake shot on digital horror flicks that it’s become a sub-genre unto itself, and speaking of fake there’s nothing more fake then those fucking guns! It says something about the calibre of a film when the stand out of the film is the shoddiness of the artillery, we’re supposed to believe they’re high powered rifles? They’re fucking air rifles! That’s right, for the second half of the film, when a posse of townies has been rallied up to hunt down the killer eel, the majority of the townies are sporting air rifles and holding them at the joint to cover the fact that it’s an air rifle! Wow I focused all my attention on that?

This movie is so shoddy it was only just worth the $2 I paid to rent its sorry buttocks, it’s simply a series of predictable deaths strung together by a load of unimportant dialogue that’s sole purpose is to pad out the film to its 91 minute run time.


Scream Bloody Murder was spawned by Jon Hoffman in the year 2003

Wow, I cannot possibly explain my absolute love for this film! I swear to god that I’m not kidding when I say that this turd is really a chocolate coated sundae in disguise!

Where else can you see a girl stretched to death, a fake out scare centred around a man’s bladder, an actual debate in the midst of a murder, an identity reveal that made my jaw drop (at the sheer absurdity) and the most insanely irritating cock tease since the suitcase in Pulp Fiction.

A bunch of stereotypical teens from an all girls private school, on their way to a dance with their seedy principal and pro-lesbian eighty year old teacher who has more than a thing for her students, they breakdown on the side of a road and are found by a hillbilly who offers to tow them to his caryard/home where he’ll fix their van (you’d think people would have learnt not to take favours from hillbillies), one thing leads to another and you get your run of the mill cheaply made slasher flick...until the ending!

Scream Bloody Murder is a stupid movie that knows it’s a stupid movie but doesn’t try to be so stupid it becomes a parody but stays just stupid enough that you don’t pity it for its substandard level of seriousness, it’s mindless fun, abate a little tedious in some parts, for the majority of the film it stays just funny enough to keep your attention, from the ‘did-I-just-hear-that’ pro-lesbian teacher who gets her freak on with multiple jailbaits (but I’ll be damned if they were played by actual teens) to the oh so very head slap worthy ending.

But please people, if you’re ever going to make a low budget film, please, please, please, PLEASE learn how to shoot day for night! You could actually go the whole hog and actually shoot night for night!! Now wouldn’t that be a novel idea, just for the love of god don’t just add a blue hue and expect your audience to believe it’s night time because believe it or not but the majority of us know that night time doesn’t look electric blue.

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MARCH 2008 EDITION

I know, I know, this edition of Schlock Value was meant to be wacky tabacy themed one but finding a copy of Killer Condom is proving harder then originally thought. So instead I’ve got three more films from my oh-so-very-reliable what-the-fuck stockpile, they’re stupid and they’re dumb.

Two of the three pieces of cheese on the platter tonight come to you courtesy of the half assed B-Movie marathon I had for my birthday, my Uni buddies turned me to them upon learning of our mutual love of anything topped with cheese (Mmmm cheese) and lightly grilled to perfection. - Danny Price

HAUNTED BOAT was made in the cheesy year of: 2005 and cheesily directed by: Olga Levens

Haunted Boat…where to begin? First of all, what high school drop out gave this film its title? They’ve proved once and for all that originality is extinct, that being said kudos to the motherfucker for doing it, fore a title that makes people stop and go "huh?" will do a shit load more at attracting an audience then anything else this god awful hunk of cinematic junk has going for it.

When reading the title what comes to mind? I’m going to guess that 98% of you readers will be thinking that it is a movie about a boat that is haunted, most likely by a ghost right? WRONG jokes on you, you presumptuous assholes (come on guys you know I love you), lets have a hand for the other 2% because no matter what crosses their tiny little minds whilst eleven letters which make up the films title I’m willing to bet that it’s way closer then you other guys.

A bunch of tools take a boat trip and wind up trapped in a fog which forces them to face their greatest fears - *cough* bullshit *cough* - said fears can come in the form of regurgitating spaghetti or just plain disappearing…oh wait that was a cast member not getting paid their $3.50.

Whilst I sit holding this DVD in my hands (the skin of which is already trying to crawl down my arm and as far away from it as physically possible) I wonder who I have to thank for this abomination.

The answer has a name: Olga Levens…the mutant love child of Uwe Boll and Robert Rodriguez. You see the problem with trying to be the female equivalent of the one man crew is that when you suck, you suck BAD!!! (Notice the extra exclamation mark…that’s me trying to emphasis a point).

I’ve seen some low budget, homemade pieces of shit in my time but… GODDAMN is this bad, the camera work sucks harder then Paris Hilton, do you remember when The Blair Witch Project came out and people were bitching none stop about how much the shaky cam stuff caused nausea? Meet the sea sickness emulator, a.k.a. Haunted Boat.

Haunted Boat is a classic example of why some people shouldn’t be allowed near a camera.

CLUB DREAD was made in the cheesy year of: 2004 and cheesily directed by: Jay Chandrasekhar

Oh the joys of Club Dread, so many memorable characters, so many memorable lines, such a near miss. This was one of the movies my friends put me onto, and thank god they did because I had pledge never to watch it (I don’t really remember why though).

When a bunch of good looking peeps (Jordan Ladd…nuff said) take a vacation on a tropical island resort the staff are kept on their feet, especially when a serial killer begins to off those who aren’t doing their jobs right!

Club Dread is by no means a serious movie, shit if it were then what’s it doing on my column? I’ll tell you what Club Dread is, it’s a far funnier version of Scary Movie only without the nods, it’s a slapstick slasher movie which manages to be funny every second of it’s round about 90 minute run time.

Kudos to Jay Chandrasekhar for playing the greatest token Jamaican ever committed to film as well as penning possibly the funniest line known to man: Advantage Putman…not laughing? Context people it’s all about context, have YOU ever seen a man make out with himself?

SCARECROW was made in the cheesy year of: 2002 and cheesily directed by: Emmanuel Ltier

*giggle* I feel simultaneously giddy with excitement and horribly repulsed with myself when thinking about this one, when I watch a cheesy B-Movie the one thing I hope for is the ability to just go balls out and tear the shit out of it, or at least laugh my ass off at the sheer absurdity of it as opposed to being bored shitless (Komodo vs. Cobra anyone?), Scarecrow delivered both in spades!

Young Lester is your typical picked on high school teenager (it couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that he looks like he’s 50 could it?) he also has a major geek crush on Tiffany Shepis (can you blame him?) but of course the school jock makes life a living hell and constantly teasing him with the nickname: ’scarecrow’ (ohhh the subtlety is killing me), things are just as bad at home as he walks in on his trailer trash mother banging some random redneck asshole. One thing leads to another and redneck asshole ends up strangling young Lester at the foot of a badass looking scarecrow, for some unknown reason his soul is magically combined with said scarer of crows to bring forth a corn stabbing, ninja flipping, incredibly un-scary schlock horror icon.

When I say he ninja flips I do indeed mean he ninja flips, when my friends (Teagan and Taryn) promised me a ninja flip for nearly every kill the scarecrow makes, they didn’t lie!

1st Rule of Scarecrow: if there is to be a death it must be punctuated by a ninja flip.

The gore is horribly bad, consisting of nothing more then food coloring mixed with water dripping, and let’s not forget the oh-so-very obviously fake heart that the scarecrow rips out of a mans body.

Yes Scarecrow is stupid, make no mistake about that, but how can you possibly go wrong with a movie that utilizes corn as a weapon!?

Posted by dannyp at 02:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

COMING ATTRACTIONS (2/08)

Prepare yourselves kiddos because boy do I have some shitty shit-shit lined up just for you cinematic no.2 loving ass holes.

Next month, look forwards to all the festivities of a stoner themed Schlock Value, plus a special little something to commemorate the 19 years yours truly has been befouling planet earth. Then somewhere down the track when it’s released on DVD downunder I will be doing a ‘De-nalysis’ of that cinematic crapfest called I Know Who Killed Me.

And once both the DVDs for Cloverfield and Dragon Wars find their way into my hot little hands I’ll be doing a Schlock Special looking at monster movies, both past and present from both ends of the quality spectrum, crocs, sharks, big ugly spiders and Godzilla here I come.

This year there’s something for everyone…plus more fan fare ;-) (It’s been 5 years but I’ve finally been reunited with Evangelion, HALLELUJAH!) - Danny Price

Posted by dannyp at 02:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)