SCHLOCK VALUE - December to Disremember

Wow, it's been a whole year since Schlock Value slid it's greasy ass into Icons of Fright. Schlock started as a Friday night ritual, back then it had no name, I would simply take a trip to the local video store and look for the dumbest monster movies I could find, and when there were no more monster movies to be found I'd look for the dumbest movie in the entire store. I had no incentive to mentally torture myself with these...things back then, but I'll be damned if it wasn't fun to do so. I guess that makes me a cinematic-masochist!

Well enough reminiscing, let's move on to the matter at hand, Decembers serving of schlocktastic madness come with variety, a mixed bag of both so bad it's good, not so bad and still good, and genuinely bad. You have a choice of aliens, slashers and even monsters from the briny deep...well it's more like the fresh water wade-able. Enjoy it my friends, and I'll see you all next year. - danny

THE SALENA INCIDENT spawned in the year of 2005 and blameable on Dustin Rikert

Now let us get one thing straight, The Salena Incident (otherwise known as Alien Invasion Arizona) is not a good movie, it's not even a fun movie, it sure as hell isn't interesting, smart, inventive or pleasing to the eye, it features nothing we haven't seen done before, and soooo much better for that matter.

Would you believe it but this movie takes place in Arizona (that explains the alternate title then) so an alien spacecraft crash lands in a small mining town and into the mines the extraterrestrial survives go scurrying quickly followed by some easily dispatched soldiers. During this time, a prison bus is transporting a small group of naughty boys to their deathbeds, this doesn't settle well with one of the prisoners who sets into motion a daring escape plan involving a pair of well endowed bleach blonde bimbos. Guards and nurse are taken hostage Yarda, yarda, yarda, the rag tag bunch of stereotypes wind up at the town nobody seems to live in, a town which is conveniently located above the alien filled mines beneath, there's a romantic subplot and customary government involvement. Un-interesting chaos ensues.

The Salena Incident, Alien Invasion Arizona, whatever you want to call it, is tasteless cheese, which is the worse kind. It's riddled with missed opportunities, we hardly ever get to see the damned things and when we do they aren't anything special to look at, they're rather fake looking in a laugh coz it looks stupid kind of way. It's really a shame because this could have been some entertaining shit, good for a Friday night, sadly it plays more as a midday TV-movie.

THE GINGERDEAD MAN spawned in the year of 2005 and blameable on Charles Band

I've seen a killer tongue, I've seen a killer condom, hell I've even seen killer vegetables, and now I can say that I've seen a killer bakers treat tastily dusted in pure cheesy delight.

A crazed murderer by the name of Findlemeyer (doesn't that name just make you wanna smile?) takes that long walk to the electric chair after the dual murders of our heroines (Sarah Leigh) brother and father, not to mention trying to kill her during the armed robbery. Now as little more then a pile of ash, how can Findlemeyer (hee hee) commit such atrocious acts of violence? I'll tell you how, his witch of a mother mixes his dear sons ashes into a some gingerbread dough, sneaking in the extra spicy dough to Sarah’s family bakery. Sarah unwittingly brings the killer back to life when she makes forms the dough into the shape of our villainous villain voiced by none other then Gary Busey (did you see that one coming?).

This movie just doesn't seem able to do wrong, everything about it oozes B-movie cheese. The killer gingerbread man is up there with the best horror villains, he's like chucky only with less plastic. The way Busey plays the character is like a foul mouthed Freddy Krueger whose been in one too many padded rooms. But it's not all about Buseys gingerman (mostly but not all), nearly every character is the film is at least partially bat shit crazy, from the unbelievably hateable, so-bitchy-I-want-to-smash-her-face-in, daughter of the hick bakery store owning rival across the street to Sarah’s alcoholic mother whose lack of sanity rivals that of the walking, talking, profanity spewing baked good that's doing all the terrorising.

In short, The Gingerdead Man is a winner in every sense of the word, rent or buy it, grab an intoxicating beverage, get together some friends and laugh your fucking asses off.



LOCK NESS TERROR spawned in the year of 2008 and blameable on Paul Ziller

The lochness monster, the abominable snowman, big foot, yowies, these are all creatures whose very existence remain mysteries. Many a movie has been made about them, many a movie made about them have sucked, this is not one of them. This is a good/bad movie, this is a fun movie, this is an enjoyably dopy, unapologetically cheesy Friday nights worth of entertainment. God bless it.

When a bunch of scientists discover a large egg at the bottom of the loch they don't consider it to be even marginally stupid to bring it to the surface and claim it for their own. Not until the pissed off mother follows them up and proceeds to lay down an aquatic lizard tasting smack down on the atom splitting busybodies. A young James Murphy is witness to his fathers death at the hands (or flippers if you'd prefer) of little nessie, only to grow up to be a scar face, bad tempered, ex-Charmed star hell-bent on revenge that'd make Quint from Jaws look little (Quint never used a ray gun against Bruce did he?). He's so incredibly wannabe badass that my friends and I have coined the phrase "Pulling a James Murphy!" in honour to Brian Krause's portrayal of the man.

Getting back on track, a dinosaur esque creature of the swimming variety is sighted in the Loch some years later, but fear not for James Murphy is on the case! He comes in with guns. Lots of guns. Lots of big guns, with rays and stuff on them. A bunch of expendable teens get involved, there's a black guy who dies, a prick...who dies, someone else dies (do you see a pattern emerging here?) and there's a couple of not so expendable teens that have a romantic entanglement.

If you're looking from some good monster action (and really, who isn't) Loch Ness Terror is the one night stand for you. There's a surprising amount of bloody action to be found, limbs are flying left right and centre and dammit if the creature doesn't look all that bad, it's got surprisingly good effects for a Sci-fi original, hell this whole movie is surprisingly good for a Sci-fi original.

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SCHLOCK VALUE

SEPTEMBER 2008 EDITION

It’s time it’s in the air it’s what everybody wants. IT’S SCHLOCK VALUE!!

That’s right boys and girls, it’s time for another slice of that cheese filled pie you just can’t get enough of (holy crap my openers are getting bad!), anyways, this month’s installment into the epic saga that is Schlock Value sees a worldwide attack orchestrated by killer vegetables, a killer gigantic CGI eel that can swim through thin air and a horror movie that features a teenager engaging in an actual debate with her killer before their real, real identity is revealed.

Enjoy poopyheads.

Attack of the Sabretooth was spawned by George Miller in the year 2005

The first of two monster movies in this issue also happens to be the first sabretooth tiger movie I’ve ever seen, which isn’t all that impressive because I only know of two sabretooth tiger movies...hmm good thing though because my first sabretooth tiger movie experience wasn’t impressive at all.

The ex-step brother of a wealthy good to do businessman is invited to his ex-step brothers island where he’s holding a party/business meeting to celebrate the opening of his island resort/hotel/theme park whose main attraction are a number of resurrected sabretooth tigers brought to life with cloning technology.

This all coincides with a bunch of good looking teenagers (including such stereotypes as; the Goth, the jock, the Asian, the token black character and the virginal good girl) pledges who have been sent to the island to take part in a scavenger hunt as part of their tasks. Gee that’ll end well.

This one had all the makings of a stupid good time on a late Friday night with a beer and a bag of Doritos, I’ve had many such a night with the likes of Komodo, Python and Arachnophobia I had just such a night with this little diddy, make no mistake though because it’s very, very bad.

If I had a dollar for every CGI creature I’ve seen I’d be a fucking millionaire (billionaire if it were for every bad CGI creature), from that little comment you may have already guessed that Attack of the Sabretooth has had a less than impressive amount of computer work put into making its main baddies look as sinister and intimidating as they should be! Not only that but there’s not even many of them. The CGI is so poor it’s plainly obvious that the people who were put in charge of creating them had absolutely no idea about a tigers body or bone structure because NO tiger or even cat can army crawl like that! It’s physically impossible!!! (Notice the exclamation points)

So we’re at the halfway point in the game, how bout we check out the scoreboard thus far, we have a pitiful amount of on screen time with the sabretooth tigers, and what little we do have is shoddy and poorly done, so is there anything good about it? YES, believe it or not but there are funny characters, they’re so stereotype that they’re fun to watch get slaughtered one by one, and their dialogue isn’t the normal cheapo indie horror flick drivel that we’re so used to seeing, it’s actually funny...at times.

Like I said before, it’s good for a lazy night with fuck all to do the next morning, expect nothing and you’ll get very little in return.


Razortooth was spawned by Patricia Harrington in the year 2006

Where would our genre be without the humble monster movie? In a very sad a sorry state that’s where, monster movies are the backbone of the horror genre, whether they be giant insects, mutant aliens or the age old werewolf, monster movies have always guaranteed one thing...fun times!

When a secret scientific organisation breeds an eel that grows to be ten times its normal size it’s inevitable that the big bastard breaks out (that’s the number one rule of any good nature runs amok flick) it just so happens that a pair of convicted felons decide to break out on the very same night and the guards sent out to search for them are torn to shreds by the slippery sucker, and so begins Razortooth, one very stupid movie with even worse digital effects.

Razortooth is without a doubt a spawn of cinematic stupidity, and I call foul on the DVD cover which clearly describes as such: “Something is alive that should have died eons ago...” now I ask you, does that sound like the description of a genetically modified science experiment that’s gone wrong? Nope.

Anyways, being a hugely-massive-gigantic-super-doper-uber fan of all movies monstrous and run amok I’ve seen many a movie that promises grip the edge of your seat tension and fails to deliver said tension, so does Razortooth deliver the tension the DVD cover promises? HELL NO! What it does have however is an abundance of shots showcasing it’s amazingly fake looking CGI eel, there are so many that it’s like a little kid with a brand new toy, it almost appears like they made characters make stupid decision all so they could show off their fancy eel...almost.

There have been so many fake shot on digital horror flicks that it’s become a sub-genre unto itself, and speaking of fake there’s nothing more fake then those fucking guns! It says something about the calibre of a film when the stand out of the film is the shoddiness of the artillery, we’re supposed to believe they’re high powered rifles? They’re fucking air rifles! That’s right, for the second half of the film, when a posse of townies has been rallied up to hunt down the killer eel, the majority of the townies are sporting air rifles and holding them at the joint to cover the fact that it’s an air rifle! Wow I focused all my attention on that?

This movie is so shoddy it was only just worth the $2 I paid to rent its sorry buttocks, it’s simply a series of predictable deaths strung together by a load of unimportant dialogue that’s sole purpose is to pad out the film to its 91 minute run time.


Scream Bloody Murder was spawned by Jon Hoffman in the year 2003

Wow, I cannot possibly explain my absolute love for this film! I swear to god that I’m not kidding when I say that this turd is really a chocolate coated sundae in disguise!

Where else can you see a girl stretched to death, a fake out scare centred around a man’s bladder, an actual debate in the midst of a murder, an identity reveal that made my jaw drop (at the sheer absurdity) and the most insanely irritating cock tease since the suitcase in Pulp Fiction.

A bunch of stereotypical teens from an all girls private school, on their way to a dance with their seedy principal and pro-lesbian eighty year old teacher who has more than a thing for her students, they breakdown on the side of a road and are found by a hillbilly who offers to tow them to his caryard/home where he’ll fix their van (you’d think people would have learnt not to take favours from hillbillies), one thing leads to another and you get your run of the mill cheaply made slasher flick...until the ending!

Scream Bloody Murder is a stupid movie that knows it’s a stupid movie but doesn’t try to be so stupid it becomes a parody but stays just stupid enough that you don’t pity it for its substandard level of seriousness, it’s mindless fun, abate a little tedious in some parts, for the majority of the film it stays just funny enough to keep your attention, from the ‘did-I-just-hear-that’ pro-lesbian teacher who gets her freak on with multiple jailbaits (but I’ll be damned if they were played by actual teens) to the oh so very head slap worthy ending.

But please people, if you’re ever going to make a low budget film, please, please, please, PLEASE learn how to shoot day for night! You could actually go the whole hog and actually shoot night for night!! Now wouldn’t that be a novel idea, just for the love of god don’t just add a blue hue and expect your audience to believe it’s night time because believe it or not but the majority of us know that night time doesn’t look electric blue.

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MARCH 2008 EDITION

I know, I know, this edition of Schlock Value was meant to be wacky tabacy themed one but finding a copy of Killer Condom is proving harder then originally thought. So instead I’ve got three more films from my oh-so-very-reliable what-the-fuck stockpile, they’re stupid and they’re dumb.

Two of the three pieces of cheese on the platter tonight come to you courtesy of the half assed B-Movie marathon I had for my birthday, my Uni buddies turned me to them upon learning of our mutual love of anything topped with cheese (Mmmm cheese) and lightly grilled to perfection. - Danny Price

HAUNTED BOAT was made in the cheesy year of: 2005 and cheesily directed by: Olga Levens

Haunted Boat…where to begin? First of all, what high school drop out gave this film its title? They’ve proved once and for all that originality is extinct, that being said kudos to the motherfucker for doing it, fore a title that makes people stop and go "huh?" will do a shit load more at attracting an audience then anything else this god awful hunk of cinematic junk has going for it.

When reading the title what comes to mind? I’m going to guess that 98% of you readers will be thinking that it is a movie about a boat that is haunted, most likely by a ghost right? WRONG jokes on you, you presumptuous assholes (come on guys you know I love you), lets have a hand for the other 2% because no matter what crosses their tiny little minds whilst eleven letters which make up the films title I’m willing to bet that it’s way closer then you other guys.

A bunch of tools take a boat trip and wind up trapped in a fog which forces them to face their greatest fears - *cough* bullshit *cough* - said fears can come in the form of regurgitating spaghetti or just plain disappearing…oh wait that was a cast member not getting paid their $3.50.

Whilst I sit holding this DVD in my hands (the skin of which is already trying to crawl down my arm and as far away from it as physically possible) I wonder who I have to thank for this abomination.

The answer has a name: Olga Levens…the mutant love child of Uwe Boll and Robert Rodriguez. You see the problem with trying to be the female equivalent of the one man crew is that when you suck, you suck BAD!!! (Notice the extra exclamation mark…that’s me trying to emphasis a point).

I’ve seen some low budget, homemade pieces of shit in my time but… GODDAMN is this bad, the camera work sucks harder then Paris Hilton, do you remember when The Blair Witch Project came out and people were bitching none stop about how much the shaky cam stuff caused nausea? Meet the sea sickness emulator, a.k.a. Haunted Boat.

Haunted Boat is a classic example of why some people shouldn’t be allowed near a camera.

CLUB DREAD was made in the cheesy year of: 2004 and cheesily directed by: Jay Chandrasekhar

Oh the joys of Club Dread, so many memorable characters, so many memorable lines, such a near miss. This was one of the movies my friends put me onto, and thank god they did because I had pledge never to watch it (I don’t really remember why though).

When a bunch of good looking peeps (Jordan Ladd…nuff said) take a vacation on a tropical island resort the staff are kept on their feet, especially when a serial killer begins to off those who aren’t doing their jobs right!

Club Dread is by no means a serious movie, shit if it were then what’s it doing on my column? I’ll tell you what Club Dread is, it’s a far funnier version of Scary Movie only without the nods, it’s a slapstick slasher movie which manages to be funny every second of it’s round about 90 minute run time.

Kudos to Jay Chandrasekhar for playing the greatest token Jamaican ever committed to film as well as penning possibly the funniest line known to man: Advantage Putman…not laughing? Context people it’s all about context, have YOU ever seen a man make out with himself?

SCARECROW was made in the cheesy year of: 2002 and cheesily directed by: Emmanuel Ltier

*giggle* I feel simultaneously giddy with excitement and horribly repulsed with myself when thinking about this one, when I watch a cheesy B-Movie the one thing I hope for is the ability to just go balls out and tear the shit out of it, or at least laugh my ass off at the sheer absurdity of it as opposed to being bored shitless (Komodo vs. Cobra anyone?), Scarecrow delivered both in spades!

Young Lester is your typical picked on high school teenager (it couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that he looks like he’s 50 could it?) he also has a major geek crush on Tiffany Shepis (can you blame him?) but of course the school jock makes life a living hell and constantly teasing him with the nickname: ’scarecrow’ (ohhh the subtlety is killing me), things are just as bad at home as he walks in on his trailer trash mother banging some random redneck asshole. One thing leads to another and redneck asshole ends up strangling young Lester at the foot of a badass looking scarecrow, for some unknown reason his soul is magically combined with said scarer of crows to bring forth a corn stabbing, ninja flipping, incredibly un-scary schlock horror icon.

When I say he ninja flips I do indeed mean he ninja flips, when my friends (Teagan and Taryn) promised me a ninja flip for nearly every kill the scarecrow makes, they didn’t lie!

1st Rule of Scarecrow: if there is to be a death it must be punctuated by a ninja flip.

The gore is horribly bad, consisting of nothing more then food coloring mixed with water dripping, and let’s not forget the oh-so-very obviously fake heart that the scarecrow rips out of a mans body.

Yes Scarecrow is stupid, make no mistake about that, but how can you possibly go wrong with a movie that utilizes corn as a weapon!?

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COMING ATTRACTIONS (2/08)

Prepare yourselves kiddos because boy do I have some shitty shit-shit lined up just for you cinematic no.2 loving ass holes.

Next month, look forwards to all the festivities of a stoner themed Schlock Value, plus a special little something to commemorate the 19 years yours truly has been befouling planet earth. Then somewhere down the track when it’s released on DVD downunder I will be doing a ‘De-nalysis’ of that cinematic crapfest called I Know Who Killed Me.

And once both the DVDs for Cloverfield and Dragon Wars find their way into my hot little hands I’ll be doing a Schlock Special looking at monster movies, both past and present from both ends of the quality spectrum, crocs, sharks, big ugly spiders and Godzilla here I come.

This year there’s something for everyone…plus more fan fare ;-) (It’s been 5 years but I’ve finally been reunited with Evangelion, HALLELUJAH!) - Danny Price

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FEBRUARY 2008 EDITION

This edition of Schlock Value was meant to come to you wrapped in a nice little Marijuana leaf (not literally of course) and complemented by an actual theme, but due to circumstances beyond my control my copy of Killer Bong became MIA as a result of my dodgy pack job and a 250km move. Why?...I am forced to ask whatever unseen forces that controls all that is, why couldn’t you have taken my copy of The Hitcher? WHY?!?!

I now find myself trying desperately to find something to replace my original write-up idea, and quite inadvertently put together something that does in fact resemble a theme!

Mwuhahahahahaha, I laugh with such zeal not only because I compiled the worst trio of shit yet, but because I had to actually sit through them all in order to bring them to you! I am experiencing a perpetual state of dumbening…hey, that’s not even a word!!!

Schlock Value presents: BRAIN BUTTER…

Three of the very WORST movies EVER made, risk viewing them at your own risk for it will undoubtedly cause your brain to melt (hence ‘Brain Butter’), eyes to burst and insides to evacuate your body via your asshole escape route in an attempt to avoid the mental torture the rest of you is sure to endure.

I kid you not, you WILL be in mental pain after watching these, that will then lead to physical pain, possibly self administered.

That concludes this months pre-screening rant, I am off to make some toast, I’ll see you at your funeral.

P.S. I was going to do Mummy Maniac instead of The Curse of Halloween but I didn’t think it’d be far on you guys to make you watch two Lommel bowl movements in a row!

DIARY OF A CANNIBAL was made in the cheesy year of: 2006 and cheesily directed by: Ulli Lommel (aka ‘The Devil Himself’)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WATCHING THIS MOVIE AGAIN?!?!?!?!

Jesus Christ, there is absolutely no reason why anyone should ever be subject to this movie once, let alone twice!

I’m sorry if the following plot explanation seems somewhat incoherent, but rest assured it is by no means my fault, it can all be put down to the fact that the plot itself was so incoherent that it would take a far greater writer then yours truly to find the tiniest grain of coherency in it, and one even better then he (or she) to actually put it to page in a way that makes more sense then anything a 6 year old-retarded-autistic kid with A.D.D could write in blue crayon on a wall.

*Crosses self* Okay, here I go…so from what I can piece together from the jigsaw puzzle like montages that Lommel has employed here, there’s this boy who meets this girl via this virtual wonder that has become the internet (*Slaps forehead* NO WAY?, yes kids, it’s not just used for porn! I was as shocked as you!), they date for a bit and eventually find themselves in this factory where the fella thinks it would be a jolly good idea for his missus and he to solidify their relationship through the act of cannibalism, to be more specific he wants her to take a bite out of him, no scratch that, eat the whole fucker up! (And here I was thinking it was the chicks’ job to say: “Eat me!”).

This (and much more) is told by way of endless montages, non-linear ‘storytelling’ (ha like you could even call it storytelling?), to call it overkill would be under describing it, we are force feed more masturbatory editing techniques then an over zealous first year film student, but I do have to thank Mr. Lommel for one thing…next year I’ll be an over zealous first year film student, chances are I’ll be forced to defend my own movie, and now I’ll have a scapegoat ready to go!

To call this an actual movie would be a slap in the face of every other movie not made by Ulli Lommel, get your apology letter for Uwe Boll ready because he’s fucking Hitchcock next to this sorry SOB and his super-ultra-mega-uber sucky piece of crap.

I don’t fear death, for I have seen Diary of a Cannibal……twice!

STRAWBERRY ESTATES was made in the cheesy year of: 2001 and cheesily directed by: Ron Bonk

Have you ever watched a movie only to find yourself totally and utterly speechless afterwards, I don’t mean in the same way that Evil Dead II or Halloween (well maybe the remake) did, no, I mean in the way that you are left dumbstruck long after the credits have left the screen, when in retrospect it was probably a good thing that your gun wasn’t within reach or else you’d be deep-throating that fucking barrel.

If you are a virgin to just such an experience and you go into Strawberry Estates then you have more balls then I do, it’s similar (though not nearly as mind-blowing) to using Ice as your first drug or a nuns first sexual experience being a six man anal gang bang!

No kiddos I haven’t over hyped it, if anything I have only touched the surface of metaphors and any English textbook term you can think of, to describe the truly idiotic and worthlessness of Strawberry Estates.

Still want to know what it is? Too bad, to describe plot there actually has to be plot, take your video camera and record you and your friends sitting around discussing some benign topic for a half our or so and you’d have more story then Strawberry Estates could ever dream of, the worst part of it is that there is another 60+ minutes of mind numbing boredom left.

It’s supposed to be a ghost story of some sort, but just like the crocodile in Supercroc, they don’t show up for aaaaaagggggggggeeeeeeesssssss, and when they finally do they’re wearing the oddest assortment of t-shirts for ghost I have ever seen, did Ron Bonk fire the costume department or something? What gives? I’m not scared of them, I’m just scared of what the disc might do to my DVD player!

And who in the name of fuck provided the cover quotes for Strawberry Estates? What super drug were you on when these thoughts found their way from your brain to your lips?

“Very scary…not for the faint of heart” – Amazon.com

“Acting by highly credible performances from the younger cast, that single concept is intriguing…” – Fangoria Magazine

Okay, I agree with the first one, it does scare me to think that someone out there thought it would be a good idea to make this abomination and if I had a weak heart watching it might fuck me up, but seriously guys who quotes Amazon.com? The freak show internet reviewers on there have half the brain cells of the already brain cell depleted idiots on IMDb for Christ sakes.

And as for the second quote, I must be misreading it because that doesn’t even make sense! Robg asked me to pick up my feet due to the fact that my grammar left something to be desired…I present scapegoat #2…and it’s Fangoria!!!

I no longer fear Diary of a Cannibal, for I have just seen Strawberry Estates!!

THE CURSE OF HALLOWEEN was made in the cheesy year of: 2006 and cheesily directed by: …wait, this was directed?

*Sigh* The Curse of Halloween…to all of you more casual horror fans out there and especially those ready from my home country of Australia, I say to you here and now: you are lucky! You are lucky because this piece of abysmal trash cannot be easily found, you pretty much have to go out and search for it (which I highly discourage you from doing).

Why is it so bad? Because it is NOTHING!!! There are so many things about it that make it so condemnable that it’d run into next months write-up.

Hmmm, let’s see:

It’s nearly a whole 37 minutes short of it’s advertised run time, there are recycled sound effects which sound like they were stolen from a Nu Image release trailer, not to mention the over indulgence of sloppy stock footage and one unbelievably long and completely unnecessary vacation montage.

Whilst watching this…this……THING, I found myself repeating one question over and over again, “Who the fuck made this?” it looks so amateurish it make every other amateur movie I’ve ever seen look like a fucking masterpiece.

It’s too hard to explain what happens because as I said before NOTHING happens, the only reason why I (and anyone else unfortunate enough to have actually suffer this movie) bought its supposed storyline said something about this ‘Great Queen Pumpkin’ being the villain. Admit it people, you’d be interested in knowing what the fuck it’s all about too. But let me tell you something kiddos, if there was a ‘Great Queen Pumpkin’ in this movie then I didn’t see her! There was this one guy who I can only assume the ‘filmmakers’ were trying to pass off as being ominous, but ominous he was not.

The cherry on top of this massive serving of whipped shit just so happens to be the stupidest bookends to any movie, past, present or future, there was this one guy who we see at the start pressing a gun to his own head as he recounts the events of ‘that Halloween night’, then at the end when he’s finished regurgitating this piece of crap on us he says that he cannot remember what happened to him and his friends, to which I responded by screaming at the TV in a verbally abusive manner which caused the neighbors to stop by and ask if I was alright, perhaps the gooey melted brain matter leaking out of my ears wasn’t a good enough answer for them huh?

Fuck anything and everything that has to do with this unforgivable, catastrophic, cataclysmic, abominable fuck up.

Diary of a Cannibal, Strawberry Estates AND The Curse of Halloween, I just can’t take anymore, that guy with the gun in TCOH just gave me a good idea! Where is my gun? - Danny Price

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ALIENS VS. PREDATOR – REQUIEM

Directed by: Colin Strause & Greg Strause

Starring: Tom Woodruff Jr., Ian Whyte, Jock, Good Guy, Hot Chick and Pot Smoking Comic Relief….oh wait, their characters had names?!?

Hell knows no fury like a fan-boy scorned, for Paul W.S. Anderson the year 2004 marked his induction into the infamous hall of fame for hated directors, what crime did he commit that caused him to be exiled to craphole island to live amongst the likes of Uwe Boll and Ulli Lommel I hear you ask, oh not much I reply, only the desecration of two of our genres biggest and baddest space beasties to ever hit the silver screen, he fucked up, pissed on, tore apart and repeatedly raped our beloved Aliens and Predators, never has the world of horror seen such hatred garnered for one man.

Can you imagine the reaction to news of a sequel? I don’t need to, I was there, it was bloody, it was violent and it was devastating. But then came a sliver of hope in the form of the movies amazing red band trailer, things were looking up, but that feeling of dread still hung in the air because if it all went pear shaped after our hopes were raised sky high then we would come crashing down, hard……...we were fucked from the beginning! Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem picks up exactly where AVP ended, with an Alien/Predator hybrid chestburster erupting from the dead body of the first movies main Predator, it grows bigger and badder in record time, tearing apart the ship and causing it to crash on earth, the PredAlien and several facehuggers scatter into the surrounding forest, replicating and growing in numbers.

Meanwhile, a Predator (who appears to be in some seat of power, though not explored in the slightest) is made aware of the crash and quickly hops in his ride and hauls ass for planet earth.

Introducing the human characters, you’ll have to forgive me because for the life of me I cannot remember their names, but that doesn’t matter because they are so fucking clichéd and stereotyped that they only need titles.

We get ‘Roughish Good Guy’, ‘Hot Chick’, ‘Jock’, ‘Badass Final Chick’, ‘Gullible Idiot That’ll Eventually Die’, ‘Child Who Must Be Protected At All Cost’.

For 30 or so minutes we are treated to every teen drama cliché known to man whilst action derived from the movies title takes backseat, it’s as if the Strause brothers made a 40 minute AVP movie and decided to add in teen drama for flavor, too bad it tasted like shit.

There is no way around it, they fucked up this movie, royally, it’s not nearly as bad as the first AVP but fuck me dead is it bad.

The movie's failure is due greatly to it’s human characters, for the most part the Predators and Aliens were not that bad, but factor in the Humans and it all goes haywire, there is an abundance of scenes with characters who don’t matter and are simply cannon fodder by the end, who really cares about these melodramatic teenagers and an alienated (excuse the pun) mother and her child when there are two of the universes deadliest creatures known to sci-fi-dom out there with potential for the biggest and baddest slugfest ever to be captured to film. And when the Humans do find themselves in the middle of and Alien and Predator ass-whooping it’s for a single fleeting moment.

If there is one thing we can say about either the Alien or the Predator franchises it’s that their characters were memorable; Ripley, Hudson, Hicks, Vasquez, Drake, Ash, Dutch, Blain, Harrigan. Here we got absolutely NOTHING.

Anyone who’s played the game or has half a brain knows that despite the actual title, AVP is essentially Aliens vs. Predators vs. Humans, and on that note, why is it so fucking hard to make a real AVP movie? Hell you could pull a total Sin City and do a shot for shot film version of one of the comics or even the damned computer game and it’d be friggin’ badass, fuck at least it’d actually be AVP and not some Dawson’s Creek crossover.

*Sigh* (Calm down Daniel, calm down) so was there anything positive about it? Yes actually there was but of course that had to be a spoiler as well didn’t it, god forbid they let the fans have their cake and eat it too (oh dear god did I just say that?) so we are given actual Aliens and actual Predators, unlike the bullshit that Anderson tried to pull on us these are the genuine looking sunsabitches we’ve come to know and love, no beefed up costume wearing wrestler Predators here, the Aliens and Predator has never looked so good.

It’s too bad we never get to admire them because for the most part they’ve immersed in shadows, it’s like the Strause brothers are trying to emulate the ‘what’s lurking in the shadows’ feel of the first Alien, hell that is what they were doing and maybe it would have worked had they not been hidden for the entire fucking movie, whenever we see either an Alien or a Predator it’s hard to tell the difference between them, not once do we ever get a good look at the PredAlien and by the final fight between it and the Predator in the rain I couldn’t even tell which one was which!

Thankfully the score isn’t half bad, fans of either franchises will recognize the various themes that have been integrated into score, the familiar Predator drums are heard throughout and there a hints of the original Alien score.

I know the age old saying of ‘what you don’t see is scarier then what you do’ but goddamn the movie is called ALIENS VERSUS PREDATOR, when I hear that title I envision badass fights between the two where we can see them as they tear up the streets and cause havoc and carnage everywhere they go, I want bloody and friggin’ guts by the bucket full, what we get are some burns, some cuts, some explosions and some spurts of the red stuff, most of which we cannot see because of the lowered contrast and the fact that they appear too be competing with Rob Zombie's Halloween in an effort to see how much nausea inducing shaky-cam shit they can throw at us.

It’s a damn sight better then the neutered piece of shit AVP was, but not by much.

Anderson looked to take a certain glee in taking all the Alien and Predator mythos and rules and completely throwing them out the window, whilst the Strause brothers decided to take every tidbit of Alien and Predator lore and shove it down our throat then proceed to add their own fan fiction into the mix, since when did a PredAlien ever have the ability to face hug and spawn chest bursters in matter of seconds, I’ll tell you when….never! It was simply the writers way to work themselves out of a corner they fucked themselves into and replenish the depleted stock of Predator cannon fodder. Rule be damned.

Don’t be surprised if there is another sequel, but I would like to ask, nay, beg the people at Fox, if you are reading this (and chances are you will never bother to lay eyes on these words) please reconsider this entire catastrophe, listen to the fans for once, Ridley Scott and James Cameron with Alien 5 does that sound more tempting then AVP-3? Why not give Rodriguez a chance with Predator 3?

Writing this review has made me think long and hard about the movie I had seen and I began to realize just what a mess it was, yes there were some good Alien vs. Predator moments but they were short and far between, the creatures for what we saw of them looked cool but then they were gone in the blink of an eye.

The gore felt forced and the damn thing was boring for long periods of time, this is a franchise which never should have been (by that I mean in this way).

We don’t want fan fiction, we don’t want hundreds of stupid ‘homage’s’ to the past films, we want our AVP.

That’s it, I’m finished, and I’ve lost my ability to think rationally, fuck this movie.

- Daniel ‘Danny’ Price

MOVIE: 2 out of 5

Posted by dannyp at 02:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)