Quantcast John Torrani's Movies The Bad Kids Like

April 2006 picks: Bad Kids Worship Satan on Easter
Well, it’s been a while. Black history month came and went and I couldn’t find a black person to sit down and watch the Black Gestapo with me. That’s fine because it’s now April. Easter is right around the corner and the bad kids worship Satan on Easter.

That is why I pulled out some of the best and worst hell had to offer. We’ve got Ray Dennis Steckler’s Sinthia the Devil’s Doll. From the Hammer Vault, we’ve got The Satanic Rights of Dracula.. Finally, all the way from Spain we have Satan’s Blood. Like Marilyn Manson says, “It’s a long hard road out of hell.” Don’t the bad kids know it. This was a really long haul. By the end of it I was the last man standing. All the other bad kids had nodded off. I really can’t hold it against them. In many ways it was my fault. I decided to kick off the session with a Ray Dennis Steckler movie.

Anyone who knows me is aware of my collection of retarded bullshit. One of my favorite things to collect are Halloween costumes. I brought all of my devil masks for the bad kids to wear as we watch these movies. It’s time to meet the bad kids from left to right, we have Nancy sporting a beautiful been cooper from 1980. Then there is Cult Hero Productions official sound mixer Ryan Flip Flips who is wearing Collegeville 1986. Then we have Broc showing off my 1963 Ben Cooper. Next we have Mita who is wearing the Don Post mask I stole from Part Experience when I was 17. Then we have Teneke in a gorgeous Ben Cooper moveable Mouth Mask. This mask was not dated however it is from a time before postal codes were invented. That dates it pre 1963. Then there is Lindsey who’s my space name is Hail Satan by the way, wearing a 1989 Ben Cooper mask.

Well now that everyone knows everyone let’s get started. First we have Ray Dennis Steckler’s Sinthia The Devil’s Doll. I own three of his films. Rat Fink a Boo Boo, The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed up Zombies, and Sinthia The Devils Doll. I really like Rat Fink a Boo Boo, the super hero spoof. In many ways this is the first fan film. I have nothing but respect for it. I’m glad I own it, I may even review it here one day. The Incredibly Strange Creatures who stopped living and Became Mixed up Zombies Totally sucks a hot cock. Which is more than I can say for Sinthia the Devil’s Doll. The reason why I chose to review this film was certainly not for Ray Dennis Steckler, it was for Maria Lease. You might remember her as the naked girl standing on the other naked girl in Love Camp 7.

In this movie she plays Sinthia’s mother. Sinthia The Devil’s Doll starts out with Sinthia watching her parents making sex. She then stabs them both to death and burns their house down. Not a bad start, right. We flash foward to the future and find out that she is in an institution and has been having bad dreams he entire life ever since the stabbing and burning. She starts explaining her dreams all of which have tons of nudity and weird rituals in them. The problem is nothing else happens in the film. There are only so many poorly lit naked dance scenes a bad kid can take. After the first three or so it stopped being funny and the following seven poorly lit naked dancing scenes were torturous. This film is actually too bad even for the bad kids. This film not only sucks hot cock. There are no two ways about it.

The next film we watched had no shortage of nakedness. I’m talking about Satan’s Blood. This is in an import from Spain and you can pick this one up on Mondo Macabro Video. This film is a bit of a Rosemary’s Baby rip off. I’m fine with that. I don’t like Rosemary’s Baby or that child fucker Roman Polanski. Hey Roman why don’t you come here and yell at me for calling you a “child fucker”? Oh that’s right you’re not allowed in this country ever again. In any case this film starts out with a young couple and their dog driving through Madrid in their energy efficient European car. An older couple pulls up right next to them in a European energy efficient car. The man in older couple claims to be a college friend of the younger man and insists they come back to their house for wine and cheese. The young couple agrees. They follow the old couple out of the city, into the county, down a scary dirt road, and right up to a creepy mansion. Once they get to the mansion. The older man proves he knows the younger man with some kind of photograph. It starts raining so everyone is stuck there. They start playing with a weegie board. Then some how everyone starts having sex. There is tons of sex. The dog gets killed and hung up in a refrigerator. The old people kill themselves and then come back to life. All the while everyone keeps getting naked. Finally, the young couple gets back to their apartment only to find that all of their possessions have been moved. They go to their neighbors house to find the old couple alive and clothed and the young couple becomes evil. The film ends with the first couple trying to lure a new couple to the creepy house. There was never a dull moment in the film. Someone was always getting naked or try to kill themself. I recommend it to people who think Rosemary’s Baby is lame. You won’t find one Mia Farrow body double in this movie. I say check it out.

Now at this point everyone has gone to sleep except for me and Lindsey. I can tell she is fading fast so what better thing to put her to sleep than the soothing voice of the great Christopher Lee. You know you’re watching a Hammer film when you have Christopher Lee as Dracula taking on Peter Cushing as Van Helsing in The Satanic Rites of Dracula. I really liked this film. It opens up with some great nudity. There is this Chinese lady pouring blood into a naked girl’s belly button. Then a bunch of pasty British men dipped their fingers into her belly button and make inverted crosses on their foreheads. That is a pretty cool Satanic Rite.

Now the British government had an undercover agent photographing the belly button ritual. It turns out that the pasty old guys are all big wigs in the British government. They aren’t going to be able to get James Bond so the next best thing is Professor Van Helsing. Once Van Helsing is on the case he tracks down one of the pasty old guys and finds out the pasty old guy, played by Freddie Jones, is a Biological Weapons specialist hired by Dracula to make a new strain of the black plague as to kill everyone on earth. First of all, Freddie Jones in one of my favorite films of all time, that being Krull. I’ve seen Krull at least 400 times. Second, this is the best plot Dracula has ever come up with. Through a series of mishaps and what not Van Helsing figures out a way of stopping Dracula. This film is worth watching for the final Hammer show down for Van Helsing and Dracula.

All and all this was one HELL of a screening. The bad kids got three movies in the books and we’ve got something real special planned for next time. We’re going to the land of the rising sun to check out all the Pinky Violence films.
See you in Hell!
-John Torrani


December 2005 pick: Love Camp #7
This is the first movie to be reviewed for John Torrani's 'Movies The Bad Kids Like'. This column has two purposes. The first being to remind the world of forgotten movies that are worth looking at again or being kept forgotten for the rest of time. The second is to champion the film makers, the actors, and the fans that make these films great.

This month's movie is Love Camp #7. This film is one of the earliest, if not the first Nazi sex movies. For whatever reason this subgenre that started in the 1960's and took off and was pretty much all but gone by the 1970's only to be resurrected in 2005 by me and my band of misfit and dope addict film makers. More on how I did that later. Love Camp #7  was directed by Lee Frost. Frost has directed many great exploitation films. Unfortunately for me, the only ones I've seen besides Love Camp #7 are The Defilers (written by David Freidman) and The Black Gestapo. (I'll review The Black Gestapo as part of my Black History Month Blaxploitaion Movies The Bad Kids Like column.)

Love Camp #7 starts off in 1968 London with an old British man talking to an old marine from Texas. The British guy decides he is going to tell him the story of how he devised the plan which won the war for the allies. We flash back to 1944 where members of each of the allied nations are meeting to devise a way of sabotaging the German's jet engine capabilities and how they need to steal the plans for said jet engines. They know the scientist that helped design the engine has been sent to Love Camp #7 which might as well be called Fuck Camp. The point of Love Camp #7 is to provide a place for the gallant men of the Third Reich to blow off some steam when they are not rampaging through Poland or trying to open the Ark of the Covenant. The plan is to send two female agents who are masters of memorization to Love Camp #7. They will allow themselves to be captured, find the scientist, memorize what she has to tell them about the jet engine plans, and escape with her.

The actresses who play the main characters are Maria Lease and Kathy Williams. Kathy Williams only made one film after Love Camp #7. She also appeared in Uncle Dave's The Lustful Turk. But the real find in this film is Maria Lease. What I find interesting about her is that not only was she willing to be naked in this film but she has pretty much done everything there is to do in film and television after starring in this Nazi soft core porno. Weird. She appeared in Ray Dennis Steckler's Synthia the Devil's Doll. (That's going to be part of the Bad Kids Worship Satan on Easter Column.) According to the IMDB her last acting credit was in Dracula Vs. Frankenstein. After that she did a bit of everything. She edited two feature films. She wrote and directed her own film called Dolly Dearest in 1992. She was a script supervisor on all kinds of TV shows and movies including Macgyver and Lawnmower Man 2: Jobe's War. Maria, you've had a hell of a career.

To watch this film, I had to turn to the guy that turned me on to the entire Nazi Exploitation sub genre, the one, the only Jed Bindeman. What makes Jed such a bad kid is that he loves the Nazis even though he is 100% Jewish.  "This film tried to have a plot instead of cutting right to the sleaze. You've got to respect that.", says Jed.

My favorite scene happens early on in the film. It's when our brave secret agents are first brought to the camp & are treated to a papsmear by the butchest woman I have ever seen. Jed and I discussed the possibility of them having a man playing a very butch woman. There were none of those fancy stirrups here - the whole examination took place on The General's desk. They were pretty much naked for the rest of the film. They wore little robes with nothing underneath.

The only film that has this much nudity with out being a hardcore porno that I have seen is Ilsa the Wicked Warden. Another great moment is when one of our secret agents is being punished and is sent into a room naked, to be hung. They left her just enough room so she can kind of touch the floor. She finds the scientist in the same room also naked. So the scientist allows the secret agent to stand on her as to relieve some of the pressure from her neck. What you get is one naked girl standing on another memorizing plans for a jet engine. Brilliant! These wonderful scenes fell short of the great Jed Bindeman's criteria. "IIsa She-wolf of the SS is the best Nazi exploitation film ever made. Even though Love Camp #7 came before Ilsa, and influenced it, Ilsa is still the best."

Well Jed, I agree with you. Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS is the best Nazi exploitation film ever made. So next month I am going to review the Grandaddy of 'em all, Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS with my Ilsa, Amanda James. Until then, remember, if you're mom thinks it's porn, tell her, "Since there is no penetration, it's not porn."

-Johnny "Hot Body" Torrani

back to: