Quantcast Fuck You, I'm Watching PET SEMETARY (Better Than Porn) article



FUCK YOU, I’M WATCHING PET SEMATARY (better than porn)


(August 2006) by Gavin McCormack

Steven King is far too generous.

He has allowed his work to be put on the big screen by legends such as Stanley Kubrik, and lesser knowns like----I don’t know their names, but the most successful author on earth has had some less than successful films released with his name above the title.

However, I’m here to talk about my favorite. I’m here to talk about the one that may not have the 8 hour epic feel of 'The Stand' or 'It', or the weight of Kubrik’s name, but is still one of his best... I'm here to talk about 'Pet Sematary'.

This is a horror movie about death. Not a particularly novel concept, considering that almost every horror films to ever exist is full of people dying all over the damn place. 'Pet Sematary' isn’t about killing and murder, it’s about the process and understanding of one’s own mortality, and the natural fear of that which we all experience now and again.

Ellie Creed is trying to understand the process of death, and the process of trying to get her 8-year-old mind to encompass the eventuality of true loss is, well, pretty fucking creepy.

You can’t discuss 'Pet Sematary' in any way without talking about Judd.

Judd, you fuck, he wouldn’t have never started burying shit up in the sour ground of the old Miccimac Indians if you didn’t bring him there, shovels and all. Why, after your mangy mutt got all zombified and scared the waking shit out of your mother, did you decide it would be a good idea to stick his fucking cat up there?

“Ayuh,” says Judd, “I can’t wait to see the look on Doc’s face when his cat comes back from the fucking dead. It’s going to be awesome living next door to a pitch-black zombie cat named after Winston Churchill. This will turn out well for everyone involved.” Fuck you Herman Munster, you brought the shovels, you deserve to get hamstrung.

In an earlier draft, Stephen King had Judd bury Church in the Pet Sematary by himself, but due to a wacky mix-up and several comic misunderstandings, he buries the actual corpse of Winston Churchill instead. The remainder of this draft was composed of his long-winded orations on Nazis, triumph, and how much it sucks to dig yourself out of a hole in the woods.

And now a few words on Pascow, the friendly ghost who differs from Casper, in that his moist, steak-looking brains are exposed for the entirety of the movie. Pascow is a student who got creamed by a truck and tries to help Louis Creed, out of gratitude for Louis’s selfless act of taking one look at him and pronouncing him dead immediately. I’ve got some otherworldly advice for you, Pascow: Look both ways before crossing the street, douchebag.

Now there are other memorable characters in Pet Sematary, Missie, the suicidal “help” who hangs herself in a dank basement, or Rachel’s sister with spinal meningitis, (who looks like Alice Cooper and whose hobbies include trying to eat mush and screaming).

But there is, of course, one standout.

Gage motherfuckin’ Creed!

Precocious young Gage, who dies as the result of an apparent allergy to speeding trucks, gets buried, and them comes back to crank call his dad, hamstring Herman Munster, and just generally tears shit up. Someday when I have a son, I hope that he has the courage and fortitude to crawl out of a hastily dug hole, and come back home to bond with me.

This undead little badass not only manages to kill ole’ Jud, he also fills his entire house with smoke and moss in a matter of hours, for no apparent reason other than it’s creepy, and he likes creepy shit because he’s dead. Then, just to be a dick, he kills the dick out of his mom, and hands her ass in such a way that she drops from the ceiling on a rope, like an inverted, moist jack-in-the-box.

After his loving daddy shoves a syringe full of unhappy into his neck, he does the most spiteful thing he can: He gets all cute again, he cries, his big eyes get all moist, just to make sure his father’s soul is totally shattered forever.

Then, Louis “dumbshit” Creed decides that hey, since this pet sematary thing has worked out so well before, why not give it a try one mo’ time? What the hell did he want a wife with half a face for anyway?

Cue undead broad with pumpin’, juicy eyehole, stabby-stabby, roll credits and Ramones song. Nice.

Every movie should end like this.

Rich spurting wounds, evil children, and a general atmosphere of total doom make Pet Sematary a movie I would recommend to anyone who isn’t a total fucktard.


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