|HOUSE OF THE DEAD
2 (Feb. 06) by Gavin McCormack.
I will say something about this movie that I rarely say about any movie, because it is almost never true. This movie did something epic, something that almost no other motion picture in the history of man could ever hope to accomplish, something more rare and fragile than a rose growing from a block of ice.
This movie was worse than House of the Dead.
Keep in mind, there was a character in the original named Liberty who wore a red, white & blue striped jumpsuit, much of it takes place during a Rave on a deserted island accessible only by boat (because lord knows that teenagers on E are famous for their seafaring skills and nautical prowess), and the origin of zombies is vaguely linked, I believe, to pirates. You know how in horror movies there's sometimes a part where a character goes "you go on ahead, I'll hold 'em off," then dies in an explosion? Well, that's how EVERYBODY dies in House of the Dead, it seriously happens like 7 times.
House of the dead 2 begins, I swear to fucking god, during a panty raid. An hour and a half later, I crawled from my pit of acrimony, and realized that the panty raid was actually the intellectual high point of the movie.
A characters from the first movie returns, played by a different actor. When you can't get the cast of fucking House of the Dead to sign onto your movie, you know you have finally hit rock bottom. Sid Haig plays a scientist for 8 seconds, then get his head bitten. Then, for no reason and with no transition at all, a horribly stereotypical French chef is assaulted. I assure you, this is not nearly as awesome as it sounds. One of the patrons at the restaurant hears about it from her waiter, then wanders into the kitchen and shoots the chef in the face. When asked why, she replies that it is OK because she kills zombies for a living. This is all the explanation local law enforcement needs.
She is part of a special tactical team, called ACS, that apparently bothers zombies. I would say they "killed" zombies, but bothers is a better word, since they seem to just sort of show up, run around exciting the undead, and run away. Lord knows you can't kill three slowly ambling zombies just because youre with a dozen people and you hall have automatic weapons. Her partner is Ghetto Liev Schriber, and watch out, because he's a womanizing, tough-as-nails badass, but with a heart of gold, a movie archetype I hadn't seen since I watched American Ninja 4 an hour previously. He lost his brother "earlier in the week" during a zombie raid, which they apparently do all the time. Regular occurrences of the walking dead won't stop a good panty raid.
This unlikely duo is teamed up with a squadron of Marines, who they call "rookies" despite having "Been to Grenada, and Desert Storm." I was about 10 when desert storm happened, and I was too young to even remember Grenada, and I think I'm older than all the actors playing soldiers. Apparently, they were all part of the highly specialized Infant Brigade. Why not say that one of them fought Napoleon, and got a purple heart during the Trojan war?
This is apparently a special branch of the military, one where half the soldiers are retarded, and the other half are hot chicks.
I realize (and you would too if you saw it) that this movie had a budget of about 300 bucks, but if that's the case, make a smaller-scope movie. If you don't write cruise missiles into the storyline, you won't have to pour rubbing alcohol on a dollhouse and set it on fire in your mom's basement to simulate the explosion.
- Sticky Fingaz from Onyx.
- Somebody does karate to a zombie for no reason and gets killed.
- A zombie with breast implants jumps up and down for 10 minutes.
- At a library, two soldiers see someone reading at a table. One soldier cautions "watch out", but the other advances, putting AWAY HIS GUN, because...I swear he says this, zombies dont know how to read." He is promptly killed.
- Our two heroes, Hot Chick and Ghetto Liev, literally wade into a sea of zombies, and never get bit once.
- Hot Chick and Ghetto Liev are cornered by 6 zombies, and instead of using their hundreds of rounds of ammunition to defend themselves, crawl up on some steam pipes, set off the fire alarm, and shoots a bunch-o-wires, electrocuting the undead with that crappy blue lightening from Big Trouble in Little China.
- Instead of shooting the contagious zombies, soldiers fly-tackle them, then shoot them anyway.
- "Trained soldiers" (the salty 22-year-old veterans of Grenada) walk into rooms backwards, and have the nerve to act surprised when the get bit on the back of the neck.
- Ghetto Liev Shriber decides to rip of Shaun of the Dead and go out amongst the zombies, but first removes his guns, "in case they can smell gunpowder", and masks himself in zombie-smell, not with a few drops of blood, but by carving out a zombie-pancreas and smearing it across his face.
This movie insulted my intelligence, and keep in mind you're talking about someone who just watched Doom and thought it was "totally rad." However, I would recommend House of the Dead 2. Why? Because if I can find one other person who's seen this, we can talk about how awful it was. It has the potential to become so-bad-it's-good, and perhaps I can commiserate with a smarmy prick like myself. I need to share this experience with someone, like when you unknowingly sip rotten milk, and proceed to say to everyone in your house "Taste this, it's rotten." The funny thing is, half the people will actually taste it. If bad movies are like spoiled milk, then this milk didnt come out of the fridge, it came from the diseased teat of Satan himself. Come taste it, you pussies.
- Gavin McCormack